Fire Emblem: Awakening- the Abridged Series!
by DarkPaladin000
Summary: Follow Robin (male) on his adventures with Chrom and the Shepherds, now rewritten for maximum hilarity. Chrom x Cordelia.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I don't own Fire Emblem. With that said, I know it's kind of late to be writing about Fire Emblem: Awakening, but I've had the idea for this parody for the longest time, but kept delaying writing it because I was busy with other things. But, I wanted to write it, and I guess late is better than never, so...**

 **Anyway, I'm skipping the intro chapter with the fight with Validar. We're starting with 'The Verge of History.'**

"Well, just don't stand there," a female voice said. "Do something."

"Well, what do you suppose we do?" a male voice answered.

"I… I dunno," the female voice answered.

The man lying on the ground opened his eyes.

"I see you're awake now," the man said. He was tall and had dark blue hair and eyes.

"Hey there," the girl said cordially, who had blonde curls and was wearing a yellow dress.

"There're better places to take a nap than on the ground, you know," the man said. He then offered the man lying on the ground his hand, which the man took and helped him stand.

"Are you all right?" the blue-haired man asked.

"Yes… Thank you, Chrom," the man who had been lying on the ground answered. He looked around and saw that he was in a field somewhere.

"Oh, then you know who I am?" Chrom asked, surprised.

"No, actually, I… It's strange… Your name, it just…came to me…" the man answered.

"Hmm, how curious. Tell me, what's your name? What brings you here?" Chrom asked.

"My name is… It's… Hmm?" the man answered.

"You don't remember your own name?" Chrom asked.

"I'm not sure if… I'm sorry, but where am I, exactly?" the man asked.

"Hey, I've heard of this! It's called amnesia," the girl said. "Huh, it's just like the plot of a game I liked- it was called _Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Time_."

"It's called a load of pegasus dung," a third man said, who had dark brown hair and was covered in armor. He was probably a knight.

"Hey!" the girl said. " _Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Time_ was actually pretty good, I'll let you know."

"What- no, milady," the knight answered. "I didn't mean the game- though I've never played it myself, but what I meant his story here is pegasus dung. We're to believe that he remembers milord's name but not his own?"

"Well, it's the truth," the man said with a confused look on his face. "By the way, what is the plot of this game that you're mentioning?"

"Oh, it's pretty cool," the girl said. "See, what happens is that you get to choose an avatar Pokemon and you wake up on a beach with no memory of who you are- and it turns out that you're actually a time traveler and there's loads of time traveling for that matter, and the future is this post-apocalyptic world from where you came back to stop events from turning out like they did. But at the end of the game, in order to save the world, it means sacrificing yourself, and you die or really just disappear, but since you have a good bond with your friend, you get to come back at the end!"

"That's quite a story," the man said. "I hope things won't turn out anything like that."

"But, what if it is true?" Chrom asked.

"You mean you think something like that'll happen?" the girl asked.

"What- no! I mean, what if this man here really doesn't remember anything?" Chrom asked. "What then Fredrick?"

"Well, still, it is safe to be wary," Fredrick said. "It wouldn't do to let a wolf into the flock after all."

"Come on," Chrom said. "Let's get to town- we can sort out things there. But I apologize, we haven't even introduced ourselves here. That delicate one over there is Lissa, my sister."

"I am not delicate," Lissa said. The man had to think that Chrom actually kind of had a point in describing her like that.

"And you must already know Fredrickson the Wary," Chrom said.

"I believe I have already asked you several times not to call me Fredrickson," Fredrick said. "And honestly- am I the only one here with a tad bit of sense? Some random man carrying a sword and a tome has appeared in front of us, with some sort of weird mark on his hand and no one here is bothered to treat this with a little bit of caution?"

"Well, I have amnesia, but even I kind of agree with him," the man said. "Oh! And I remember now, my name is Robin! Could you perhaps tell me where I am?"

"Ylisse," Chrom said.

"And where is that?" Robin asked.

"Ha! Someone pay this actor, he plays quite the fool," Fredrick said.

"I charge one gold piece per word, and two for every word longer than three syllables, if you're wondering," Robin said sarcastically. "And seriously though, it feels like my entire mind's been wiped clean."

"Oh, well, we're a halidom," Chrom said.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Robin asked.

"I dunno," Chrom said. "Who cares anyway? Anyway, our leader is the Exalt Emmeryn, and all of us here are Shepherds."

Robin had a feeling that the word 'Shepherds' didn't exactly mean just tending sheep and was a title that mean something else, but he kept quiet until he saw smoke rising towards the horizon from a town in the distance.

"Brigands!" Chrom shouted and they ran towards the town.

There were several men wearing animal furs and weird skull caps terrorizing the villagers, taking gold, and burning down everything else.

"This'll be the last time they terrorize anyone," Chrom said with venom in his voice. "Robin, you seem to have weapons by your side- but if you want to sit this one out, I won't blame you. This is our job."

"No, no, I want to help," Robin said. "And it's weird- being in combat like this- it seems to be triggering something that I know about. It's odd, like I can see the flow of battle or something like that."

"Oh," Chrom said. "Well then, if you believe yourself to be able, then let's finish these bandits!"

* * *

Time for the support conversation for this chapter.

 **Robin x Lissa**

 **Lissa:** Hey, no matter how much Chrom says I'm delicate, just know that I'm pretty good at healing. I'll patch you up in no time. Oh, you're hurt? Let me take a look at that.

 **Robin:** Oh geez, thanks. Hey… this is a weird time to ask I guess… but it's about your brother… is, is… is Chrom gay?

 **Lissa (shocked):** Eh? What do you mean?

 **Robin:** Like, it's just this vibe I'm getting from him. I- I mean…

 **Lissa:** No, actually, you're right. Chrom _is_ gay- I mean, but y'know, it's just one of those things that pretty much everyone knows but doesn't say out loud. But why were you so curious, huh? *smirks* Taken a liking for him or something?

 **Robin (blushing):** What? No, of course not. I mean, I'm not gay- not that there's anything wrong with that, y'know, but I kind of suspected it but didn't want to say anything…

 **Lissa:** Aww, it's alright. I'm sure he'll come out of the closet at one time or the other. But hey, you know, are parents were killed off when we were young…

 **Robin:** Oh, I'm so sorry.

 **Lissa:** So you know, Chrom's pretty rich, upholds the law and is good at martial arts…

 **Robin:** I see where this is going… come on, Lissa, don't make that joke!

 **Lissa:** So if he became Batman, the two of you could be… Batman and Robin!

 **Robin:** (sigh) Let's just get back to the battlefield.

 **Lissa and Robin have reached support level C!**

* * *

The brigands were taken care of pretty easily.

"The town though…" Chrom said, looking around at the various buildings. "It's in ruins…"

"Thank you though, sire," a villager piped up. "We may not be rich folk, but to thank you, please let us host a feast in your honor."

"That would be nice, but we must get going," Fredrick said.

"Aww! A bed would be nice," Lissa said.

"A bed?" Fredrick snorted. "We'll camp on hard ground like real men! Milady, you're talking like one of those people who play this game on Casual mode…"

"What's wrong in playing this game on Casual mode?" Lissa asked.

Chrom, Fredrick, and Robin gasped.

"You turned permadeath off?" Robin asked. "That's Fire Emblem heresy right there! Everyone knows it isn't a real Fire Emblem game without permadeath!"

"Hey," Lissa said defensively. "Just because I play on Normal and Casual doesn't mean I don't enjoy the game as much as you- I play it more for the story and stuff, y'know. How do you play for that matter?"

"Me?" Fredrick asked. "I play Ricken solos on Lunatic+ mode all the time with no DLC!"

"Okay, guys," Robin said. "But if we're leaving, I think we should be off soon."

"We?" Chrom asked.

"Yeah, I mean, I'd love to join you guys, and given that I have nothing else, well, if you'd have me?" Robin asked.

"Certainly," Chrom said. "You've risked your life to save Ylisseans, and that's enough for me."

"Perhaps he can also come up with an explanation regarding why he's here then?" Fredrick asked.

"Uh…" Robin said.

"Well, I suppose it matters not," Fredrick said. "Best be off quickly as possible and march towards our destination. We need to reach the capital quickly."

"Aww, do we really have to march right now?" Lissa asked. "My feet are killing me!"

"Milady, I'm afraid that that is an impossibility," Fredrick said.

"Huh? Why?" Lissa asked.

"Because none of us have feet," Fredrick said.

 **A/N: Thanks for reading. This first chapter didn't turn out much different from the actual dialogue, but that was because nothing very interesting happens and we don't have enough characters yet. And yes, I am well aware that there are no support conversations this early on in the game, but I wanted to have one, so there!**

 **Do please leave a review on what you thought.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks for the feedback, WordBirdNerd. Thing is I was actually going to have a lot more of the original story in this chapter like I did in the first one, but yeah, I guess a lot of it could be skipped so I'm trimming quite a bit of it with this chapter.**

Robin, Lissa, Chrom, and Fredrick were all gathered by a lone campfire. Fredrick had gone and killed them a wild bear to eat, which was something that didn't sit to well with Lissa.

"Couldn't you have killed us a normal animal for once?" Lissa asked.

"Meat is meat, doesn't matter where it came from," Fredrick said.

Chrom swore he heard someone from the forest call out, "That's what she said!" but when he looked around he didn't see anyone there.

"Yeah, but you're messing with the delicate ecological balance by hunting down an apex predator on the food pyramid. Humans shouldn't be messing with the natural order like that," Lissa said. "Right, Robin?"

"Yum!" Robin said while tearing into the bear meat like it was gourmet. "This tastes almost as good as alligator meat!"

Everyone looked at him, surprised.

"You know, some details are coming back to me," Robin said as he saw their puzzled expressions. "I guess I ate alligators at one time, you know, whatever, this is really delicious."

Lissa sighed. "Hey! Fredrick, why haven't you touched your meat? I mean, I don't like putting hard, stinky meat in my mouth-" at this Chrom swore he heard the same voice say, "That's what she said!" yet again but couldn't see anyone "-but why aren't you having some?"

"Uh, no reason," Fredrick said. "I'm just full is all."

"But hey, Lissa," Robin said. "If you want something to eat besides bear meat, you can have one of the candy bars I got. I have chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry."

"What?" Chrom asked. "Where did you get all that candy from?"

"Oh, there was this vending machine I found in the middle of the woods when I stopped to go and powder my nose," Robin said. "I mean, it was kind of weird, I mean, there was just a vending machine and it wasn't even plugged in to a socket, and I mean, it was just a vending machine in the middle of the woods after all, but I thought 'why not?' and then bought as much as I could."

"Powder your nose?" Chrom asked.

"You found a vending machine in the woods?" Fredrick asked. "Preposterous! And where would you even find the money to use it?"

"Wait, you found candy and you haven't shared any of it with me yet?" Lissa asked angrily.

"Hey, hey, there's enough for everyone," Robin said.

"You haven't answered my questions yet!" Fredrick said.

Robin shrugged. "Look, I may have amnesia, but even I know that when you find a random vending machine in the middle of the woods, you don't sit around asking deep, meaningless, philosophical questions like as to how it got there. You just thanks the gods for giving you this opportunity. And as for the money, I managed to find someone's credit card on the way here. Don't know whose it is."

"You found some random person's credit card on the ground and decided it was a good idea to use it?" Fredrick asked. "Why is that with every question you answer, I suddenly have to ask two more just to clear things up?"

Fredrick kept probing Robin but didn't get much out of it.

When Robin saw that Fredrick was off doing something, and Lissa was somewhere else, leaving him and Chrom alone, he scooted over to Chrom.

* * *

Let's view the support conversation for this chapter!

 **Robin x Chrom**

 **Robin (nervously):** So hey, uh, Chrom, there's been this thing that I've been meaning to talk to you about. What are you looking for?

 **Chrom (surprised):** Oh, nothing, I just though I heard someone say something from the woods... but I can't seem to find anyone and no one else seems to have heard it... What did you want to talk about?

 **Robin:** See, what I have here is two candy bars. One of them is chocolate flavored, right, and the other is vanilla. Now, what you need to understand is that I really like chocolate. Like, if you offered me these two candy bars, I would choose chocolate every single time. I just like it a whole lot better than vanilla. And I think most people would agree with me.

 **Chrom (nodding):** Right.

 **Robin:** But you know, there are some people out there, who aren't that many in number, but you know, they like vanilla better. And that's perfectly alright, I mean, I wouldn't judge anyone for it, and it's okay to like vanilla. Some people might even like both equally. And what I want to stress here is that it's okay to like vanilla, and no one should be ashamed of that.

 **Chrom (confused):** Oh-kay.

 **Robin:** So, I say that if you happen to like vanilla, y'know, well it's reasonable to tell everyone about it, and even your friends who do like chocolate will support your choice.

 **Chrom:** Okay, Robin, I can tell that this conversation isn't about candy bars- at least not really, but I for one cannot figure out what in Naga's name you're trying to get at. If you want to say something, just please be as direct as possible.

 **Robin:** Oh okay, I just wanted to sort of start out that conversation in a way that would make you a bit comfortable, y'know. What I'm trying to say is, that everyone, Lissa, me, and Fredrick included, know about your little secret. And we just want to let you know it's fine.

 **Chrom:** Uh, what're we talking about? Because I have now completely lost you.

 **Robin:** We all know you're gay. It's okay to come out of the closet.

 **Chrom (shocked):** What? I'm not gay! What made you think that?

 **Robin (surprised):** Really? Like, not even a little? Because, I was kind of getting the vibe from you, and I talked with Lissa and said that she suspected it as well, but that you wouldn't really come out so you know…

 **Chrom:** Oh gods! Not Lissa again. Listen, Robin, I have no clue why either of my sisters think that I'm gay. I don't know where the rumors started from- but they've spread like wildfire for some reason, even though they're wrong. And I'm sorry if you maybe- uh, thought I was hitting on you at any time, but I am _not_ interested in men.

 **Robin (embarrassed):** Aww, Chrom, I'm sorry. I-I don't know what to say. This is like, so awkward…

 **Chrom (sighs):** It's okay. At the very least you of all people understand. When I try and clarify this with other people, they usually don't believe me.

 **Robin:** Oh. By the way, just a thought experiment, in case you were gay, would you actually ever consider hitting on me?

 **Chrom (embarrassed):** What? What kind of a question is that?

 **Robin:** An honest question, of course.

 **Chrom:** I-I'm not even going to answer that!

 **Robin:** Huh?

 **Chrom:** Hey, look, Robin, out in the distance, there's literally anything else happening right now. Let's focus on that instead!

 **Chrom and Robin reached support level C!**

* * *

"Huh, you're right," Robin said. Some weird symbols had begun etching themselves out in the sky.

And out them started dropping weird, dark figures. The earth began cracking and breaking up.

Lissa was the first one to get a closer look at the creatures. They looked like undead and had eerie glowing red eyes. Eyes that were glaring right at her.

"Uh, pizza delivery?" Lissa asked hopefully.

The creature responded by chucking its axe at her head, which Lissa avoided.

"Lissa! Run!" Chrom said and drew his sword and began attacking these weird zombies along with Robin.

Robin ran one through with his sword only for the creature to awkwardly turn his head and emit dark fog through its mouth.

"Two words- Breath. Mint." Robin said and finished off the creature with lightning.

But there were too many of them! Some of them went after Lissa and very quickly cornered her.

As one was about to deal a fatal blow however, someone dropped out of the sky and blocked the Risen's axe.

"Run!" he said.

LIssa didn't need to be told twice.

Robin, Chrom, Fredrick, and Lissa managed to group up again. Robin sized up the enemies and began forming a battle plan.

Somewhere far away, two figures emerged from the woods.

"Captain Chrom!" Sully said. "I've been looking for you all over the place. Now which one of you freaks wanna try my lance on for size? I know the perfect place to put it, right up your-"

Virion turned towards Sully and said, "Why, my lovely lady, why have you been wandering away from me?"

Sully looked at Virion and said, "What's the matter with you? Whadda you want?"

"Please, I only request but one thing," Virion said. "Your hand in marriage? Will you do me the honor of letting me stay by your side forever?"

"Oh, I get it," Sully said. "This is a joke, and the punch line is when I put my boot through your face."

"Why, my fine lady, I merely wish to know your answer-" Virion was cut off as Sully kicked him.

"Did that answer your question?" Sully asked. "Or have you got any more?"

"Ah, I sense a bit of an unfriendly tone in your voice- a bit of a rough voice which contrasts with thine fine figure," Virion said while brushing the dust off of himself. "Is it perhaps a tsundere vibe that I'm getting from you?"

"The hell's a tusndere?" Sully asked.

"Ah, no matter," Virion said. "Please! Let me accompany you!"

"All right, anything to get you to shut up!" Sully said and bounded off.

Once Sully was out of earshot, Virion said, "Complete tsundere. She's fallen head over heels for me!" He then reached for an arrow when he noticed that something was missing which he had thought he had put in his quiver. "Oh, how strange. I seem to have misplaced my credit card." Did he put it into one of his pockets- no, it wasn't there, or had he lost it on the way through the forest? He certainly hoped no one was putting useless purchases on it- he was already broke enough as it was.

With a bit of difficulty, Robin and his crew managed to route the enemy.

"Glad that's over," Lissa said. "And we owe it all to the mystery man over there!"

"Who are you?' Chrom asked.

"I am Marth," the guy said. "I call myself that so Fire Emblem fanboys will gush over the reference in this game."

"Cool," Robin said.

"Now please, allow me to dump a bunch of weird nonsense on all of you that won't make sense for several years," Marth said.

Marth then walked away.

"I have a feeling we'll be seeing him again," Fredrick said.

"How can you know that?" Robin asked. "You're telling me you find me finding a vending machine in the woods weird but somehow know that?"

"Let's move to the capital," Fredrick said.

* * *

Chrom, Robin, and Lissa walked up to Exalt Emmeryn.

"Hello, brother, sister, it's so nice to see that the two of you are well," Emmeryn said. "But who is this stranger with you?"

"That's Robin," Chrom said. "He's someone who we found in a field who said he lost all his memory and he's able to use a sword and shoot lightning from his fingertips as well as expertly analyze the flow of battle. Also he's apparently eaten alligator meat at some point in his life."

"That's a bit odd, no?" Emmeryn asked.

"Well, yes, but he risked his life to save Ylissean lives," Chrom said. "I trust him. And it isn't much odder than what happened last night."

"Wait," Robin said. "If Emmeryn is your sister, then that means that the two of you are…"

"Royalty, yes," Fredrick said.

"Uh, wha- I'm so sorry about-" Robin began before Chrom cut him off.

"It's alright, whatever's going through your mind," Chrom said.

"Uh, wait, there's a place I want to show you Robin," Lissa said. "Come with me, let's meet the others!"

 **A/N: Thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

"So, what are the other Shepherds like?" Robin asked.

"Oh don't worry," Lissa said. "They're all basically shallow anime stereotypes with no real depth whatsoever, so you know, you probably kind of already know them."

The two of them entered a room with a few people already in it.

"Hey, Lissa," Vaike said. "I bet ol' Chrom had some problem without ol' Teach helping him out, no?"

"So, you're a teacher now?" Lissa asked. "You know, I used to think that people were born without brains, but that can be taught too?"

"Aww- geez, thanks," Vaike said. "Wait- what? Okay, who's that stranger?"

"No one can be stranger than you, Vaike," Lissa said. "This here is Robin! He's someone we found lying unconscious and- yeah, I'm not going into that again."

"Well then, hello there," Vaike said. "The Teach feels a need to introduce himself. The Teach is the dumb jock with little brains, and also the character who enjoys talking about himself in third person. That's really all there is to the Teach's character and all you need to know."

"Lissa, are you all right?" Maribelle asked. "I've sprouted fourteen gray hairs worrying over you…"

"Really?" Robin asked and began peering over Maribelle's hair to see if he could, in fact, count exactly fourteen gray hairs.

"Hey! That's rude you know!" Maribelle said. "Especially considering the fact that I'm the stuck-up prissy girl in this game!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," Robin said.

"Aww, come on, Maribelle," Lissa said. "Robin was just curious, that's all. He's kind of a like a cute puppy given that he's lost all his memories."

"Okay, alright, I do so apologize for my rebuke," Maribelle said.

"Oh, that's okay," Robin said.

Maribelle quickly turned her head around, blushed and said, "But don't take that to mean anything! I'm apologizing just because Lissa asked me to! It's not like I like you or anything b-baka!"

"Sorry, but where's Captain Chrom?" Sumia asked.

"Hey, Robin, this is our, 'Sempai Please Notice Me' kind of character," Lissa said. "And she's pretty clumsy and all, so you know, there's that."

Sumia tripped while walking two steps and fell down.

Maribelle sighed. "I've been patching her up all day long… she isn't paying attention at all during practice…"

"Yeah, well with that done," Lissa said, "Robin, I need you to fill in some paperwork so that you can be an official member of the Shepherds! Just follow me!"

Lissa led Robin through a hallway.

"Do I not even count as a character?" Stahl wondered as he saw the two of them trot off.

"Uh, Lissa, there's been something I've been meaning to ask you," Robin said.

"What?" Lissa asked.

"Are there, by any chance, any sort of uh, hazing rituals in the Shepherds?" Robin asked. "I mean, almost all military groups have them so I'm kind of worried..."

"Well, now that you asked, yeah," Lissa said. "But nothing too weird. All you have to do is go up to a mother grizzly who's sleeping with her cub, and without waking either of them smooch the baby bear's cheek. After that we then parade you naked through the streets of Ylisstol, provided you survive."

"Okay, you know, if you were going to make something up, you should've chosen something less ridiculous," Robin said. "Even I wouldn't believe that, and I was technically, at least experience-wise, born yesterday."

"Yeah, well, there's nothing really," Lissa said. "I mean, Chrom got Vaike to drink a glass of sewer water, but y'know, he was the only one dumb enough to fall for it. Right, here we are."

Lissa was standing in front of a door-which led to a room with a desk and loads of medical supplies in it. "Ta-da! This here is my office!"

"Looks kind of untidy," Robin said.

"Hey! Being a healer is busy work," Lissa said. "So anyway, before I get the paperwork done, I need to do a medical examination to make sure that you're physically fit to join the Shepherds."

"Oh," Robin said and then turned slightly red. "Wait- you're going to be examining me? Just how… what does that involve?"

"Aww, nothing to be ashamed of," Lissa said. "You know, I'll take your pulse, your breathing rate, your height, your weight… a digital rectal exam and colonoscopy- hey, I'm kidding! There's no need to run for the door!"

All in all, Robin had to say that the exam was pretty much decent. Well, he did have to take his shirt off while Lissa examined it for any scars or ulcers, but nothing much weirder than that happened.

"Okay, what all have you been vaccinated for?" Lissa asked.

"I don't remember," Robin said.

'Well, then, I don't see any marks from any shots anywhere so I'm gonna go and assume you'll need the full course," Lissa said. "Starting with, of course, the cooties vaccine."

"Cooties?" Robin asked.

"Why yes, cooties," Lissa said. "It was a terrible disease which wiped out thousands of newborn children each year in Ylisse until a vaccine was developed for it." She took out a box inside of which, to Robin's horror, was a frog that had been tied up. "See, this is a special species of frog which contains a virus much similar to the cooties virus which is secreted in the mucous coating of its skin. By sucking on its skin, you'll get the weaker virus and it'll help prevent you from getting the stronger one."

"What? That's stupid!" Robin said. "I don't believe that for one second! You're joking with me, aren't you? I bet cooties isn't even a real disease!"

Lissa sighed and put her hands on her hips. "Look mister! I know that I tend to joke around a bit, but don't for a second think that I don't take my profession seriously! I didn't go to four years of medical school for people to look down on me alright. And trust me, you haven't seen the photos or the horrors of what cooties was like before the vaccine came out. The epidemic of year '86 was one of the worst in history. Now, do you want to risk spreading that to someone else just because _you're_ not going to suck this frog?"

"Uh, sorry, sorry," Robin said. He should've known that Lissa wouldn't have joked about something like this. "Okay, I'll do it."

The frog was still alive but tied up- something that Lissa said was essential to the procedure.

Robin hesitantly took it in his mouth and almost retched before the thought of thousands of poor children dying of cooties just because he didn't take his vaccine filled his head and he began sucking on it gently.

It was then that Chrom walked in. "Hey guys- we all have to go to Regna Fo- why does Robin have a frog in his mouth?"

"I told him it was for a cooties vaccine," Lissa said and giggled.

"Wait? You're telling me that he actually bought that?" Chrom said.

"Yeah, the whole bit," Lissa said as Robin spat out the frog and began wiping his tongue angrily.

"What?" Robin managed to get out.

"Yeah, see, the thing is that this was actually my idea," Chrom said. "I've told everyone that what the Shepherds needed was a hazing ritual to really help us all bond together. So, y'know, I have thought time and time again of the perfect hazing ritual, but most of my ideas failed, and Vaike got dysentery from the sewage water… so before we found you in that field I had a new idea! Namely, the frog! 'Course Lissa told me that no one would buy it, but clearly you have, so I think everyone else will."

"Did you have to go through any sort of hazing?" Robin asked.

"No," Chrom said.

"THEN WHY DO YOU WANT TO DO IT TO OTHER PEOPLE YOU JACKA-" Robin said before he was interrupted by Lissa.

"Hey! That's not nice talk," Lissa said. "And stop shouting!"

"It isn't nice to stick frogs in people's mouths either!" Robin said.

Chrom and Lissa looked at each other and burst out laughing and went on for a couple of minutes before they stopped.

"You know, I liked you better when I thought you were gay," Robin said.

"Okay, onto serious business here," Chrom said, "We have to go to Regna Forex and we head out tomorrow morning. So be ready." He then glanced at Robin again and started laughing again.

And that, children, is how the time-honored hazing tradition of forcing new recruits to suck on frogs started within the Shepherds.

And yeah, just so you know, in case you wanted to join the Shepherds, remember that you'll have to suck a frog in order to get in. Doesn't seem so appealing now, now does it? You probably should consider some other career option.

Do you know what the hazing ritual for the Plegian army is? All new recruits have to sneak up behind King Gangrel and pull his pantaloons down. And of course, since Plegia's army is so big, this means that King Gangrel gets 'pantsed' pretty much ever ten minutes or so.

True story.

* * *

Along the way to Regna Forex, Sumia stopped to take care of a Pegasi, but Robin was a bit too busy fiddling with some books he had brought to notice.

And of course, since nothing could ever be easy for the Shepherds, they ran into a horde of Risen along the way.

They all prepared for battle only to discover that Vaike had lost his axe. For this infarction he was summarily executed on the spot without any mercy.

Okay, not really, but he kind of should have been.

Miriel, thankfully, managed to arrive and give Vaike his axe back. And through the battle, she found herself fighting alongside this stranger who called himself Robin.

* * *

Let's view the support conversation for this chapter!

 **Robin x Miriel**

 **Robin:** Hey! I think you dropped this book!

 **Miriel (blushing):** Ah, I was just telling Vaike off for forgetting his axe… thank you.

 **Robin:** Hey, no problem. By the way, I saw that the book was filled with calculations and stuff.

 **MIriel:** It was my mother's. She was a researcher and thought about many topics, and I have chosen to follow in her shoes.

 **Robin:** Interesting. You know, I'm somewhat of a scientist myself.

 **Miriel:** Truly? What is your field of interest?

 **Robin:** Well, I have only one field. And I'm working on my thesis- 'Why traps aren't gay.' It's kind of secretive now so I would appreciate you keeping a lid on it.

 **Miriel:** I beg pardon? I am sorry but I have never heard of this term 'trap' before. Could you elaborate on your thesis?

 **Robin:** Well, traps are basically men. Or boys usually, but they're very feminine and like dressing up as girls. And they look like girls. Very pretty girls. Lots of people think that liking traps makes you gay, but I've made it my mission in life to go and prove them wrong.

 **Miriel:** Pardon me, but traps are men, correct?"

 **Robin:** Yes.

 **Miriel:** And a man who is attracted to another man is a homosexual, right?

 **Robin:** Sounds right to me.

 **Miriel:** So then liking traps, as you say, would indeed be gay then?

 **Robin:** But it doesn't count if he looks like a girl!

 **Robin and Miriel have reached support level C!**

* * *

Later on, when the Risen had been taken care of, Robin was flipping through his books when Maribelle said that she'd like to talk to him in private.

"Robin, normally I would not intrude on the business of my fellow Shepherds so long as it doesn't concern me, but I feel obliged to say something," Maribelle said. "I couldn't help but notice you flipping through a book with a green cover on it."

Robin began sweating bullets. The green book was his 'research' book and he had actually torn the pages out and put then in the green book cover so no one would suspect what he was reading. He didn't want details of his thesis leaking out just yet. He knew people wouldn't really understand, especially people like Maribelle. "Well, yeah…"

"And I couldn't help but notice," Maribelle said while Robin thought, 'I be you could've'- "and I saw that there were photos of various girls in different outfits. Now, I know in an army on the march it is common for the men to, ah, indulge in such things and maybe men have such 'needs' for such things, but given that you're so close to Chrom and Lissa, I would advise you to refrain from doing this anymore given it would tarnish both of their reputations to be associated with such a character involved in such doings."

Robin opened his mouth and said, "…wait…girls?"

 **A/N: So I'd just like to say regarding Vaike that what he did was unbelievable. Like even from the point that this is an abridged series that's not something you shrug off.**

 **Losing your weapon is a big deal. There's a story about how when Julius Caesar was campaigning in Gaul that a soldier fell into a swamp and another soldier bravely jumped in to save him.**

 **The army was so impressed by this they began applauding, but the soldier who had performed the rescue immediately fell to Caesar's feet and began begging for his life. Why? The guy lost his shield during the rescue, and that was a capital offense. That's how scared they were of losing their equipment.**

 **What I mean to say is that obviously, fighting is dangerous. Your life is on the line here, quite literally. Except of course, for you people playing on Casual, in which case I should let you know that Fredrick had told me that if you play on Casual, your opinion doesn't matter anyway. Make of that what you will.**

 **Anyway, it's a big deal to lose your weapon. You are practically useless without it. And from what I can tell, all weapons are bought from the Shepherd's treasury and not purchased individually, at least in game it seems like that, so this is a big offense. So placing everyone's lives on the line by forgetting your weapon, not just once, but a second time (third if you count training sessions) is something that is a big deal.**

 **Sorry, I just had to vent my frustration on that out a bit. Thanks for reading, and do please review if you liked it.**


	4. Chapter 4

"Yes," Maribelle said, wondering why Robin was saying that. "There were clearly pictures of girls in there- don't bother denying it!"

"Hey look, Maribelle, out in the distance," Robin said, pointing. "There's literally anything else going on. Let's pay attention to that instead."

A huge fortress was visible on the horizon and so Robin ran off after it.

"Hey! You can't just say that and run away!" Maribelle said. "Get back here! This is for your own good, you know!"

"Hey, Chrom," Robin said, ignoring Maribelle as much as possible.

"Yes?" Chrom asked.

"Right, look, see the thing is, those guys up there seem to be readying their lances… it looks dangerous, why don't you let me go and talk to them?" Robin said.

"Really? I was actually going to do something like that myself," Chrom said.

"Uh, no, you're far too important, what if they skewer you or something?" Robin asked. He glanced back to see that Maribelle was still glaring at him. "You're our prince, after all. You should let me go there."

"Relax, Robin, you're beginning to sound like Fredrick," Chrom said. "This is a diplomatic mission, they'd never do something like throw those spears down at me. They wouldn't possibly risk hurting a prince…"

"Yeah, but what if an accident happens?" Robin argued. "Better safe than sorry."

As Robin walked up to the wall though, and Chrom thought to himself, 'There's no way this can end well,' Robin realized that maybe sticking around with Maribelle might've been a better option than this given the hostile looks he was recieving.

"Halt! Who goes there?" Raimi asked.

"Uh, my name is Robin," Robin said.

"Full name?" Raimi asked.

"Full name?"

"Yes, with your last name. Are you dumb or something boy?"

Robin scratched his chin. He didn't know his last name so he guessed he'd just have to make one up. So he thought to himself: 'Now calm down Robin, this isn't too hard, all you have to do is think up of a normal name, one that won't draw too much attention to yourself.'

"Dabank!" Robin said and then everyone except for him and Raimi face-palmed loudly at what he said. "That's my last name."

"You're trying to tell me that your name is… Robin Dabank?" Raimi asked.

"Yes, it is I, Robin Dabank," Robin said. "Uh, see, we're all coming here from Ylisse, that's Prince Chrom over there, and our Exalt wants a meeting with the khan."

"Likely story," Raimi said.

"Wait- do you not believe me?" Robin asked.

"Of course not? You're telling me that that's Prince Chrom? Puh-lease," Raimi said.

Robin then walked over back to his crew. "Uh, guys, this isn't working. I think we need to think of a fake story as to why we're here." He rubbed his forehead for a second. "Okay, here's what we should go with. We can all pretend to be a traveling circus troupe. Right, so I'll be like the grandmaster, you can all call me 'Papa Robin' and uh, we need some performers, so how about we have Lissa be the bearded lady- y'know, it's a good thing that I'm carrying my fake mustache and beard with me, and then we already have a horse and-"

"Okay, I'm gonna need to interrupt you," Chrom said. "I don't know where to start regarding where your plan is wrong, but I feel compelled to ask… why did you bring a fake mustache and beard along with you on this trip? And you're telling me that apparently you have blonde ones too?"

"There's no such thing called 'overpacking,'" Robin said.

"I'm going to stop you right there, Robin, and say what everyone's thinking: your plan is stupid, and on a somewhat related note, so are you," Fredrick said.

"Oh Robin," Maribelle said under her breath softly so that no one else heard, "you can be my _papa_ any day of the week…"

"So yeah," Chrom said. "I think that is a bad idea. Go back there and tell them the truth. What's the worst that could happen? What are they going to do, throw spears at you?"

"Alright, but y'all are a bunch of meanies for callin' mah plan stupid," Robin said and stormed off. "Hey! Yeah, we're a bunch of royals here so you better open up if you know what's good for you!"

"Huh, yeah right, you're not the first brigands who've tried crossing over into our border," Riami said.

"What? What makes you think that we're brigands?" Robin asked.

"Well, for starters, your name is quite literally Robin Dabank," Riami said.

"Okay, aside from that?" Robin asked.

"I don't need a second reason! If you truly are royalty, than show us in battle!" Riami said.

And then the lancers let loose their javelins.

"Hey, Chrom, what's up?" Sumia asked as she flew besides Chrom.

"Oh, good to see you've caught up," Chrom said. "Well, Robin is currently kind of like a human porcupine right now and Maribelle and Lissa are trying to save him."

"Ouch," Sumia said as she saw what had happened to Robin. "I wish I could've done something to stop this from happening…"

"Aww, don't blame yourself, Sumia," Lissa said. "After all, what did you expect to do? That when the spears flew at Robin, you'd somehow magically appear at that exact moment, recognize that Robin was in danger, and at that moment not only decide to act but actually swoop up Robin on your pegasus before the spears hit him and carry him away?"

"Well yeah I guess that's pretty impossible…" Sumia said. "Like mathematically impossible, really!"

"Well, Robin's all done really," Lissa said. "Thankfully no vital organs were hit and most of the spears missed anyway, but that was close."

"Yeah, let's go ahead and wipe the floor with these Feroxi soldiers," Robin said angrily.

"Calm down Boy Wonder, and let's work on beating these soldiers," Fredrick said.

"I don't get one thing though," Robin said as he shot a fireball at a nearby archer. "Why is that clearly we're the ones holding back on this mission- I mean, we don't kill anyone, but our opponents do? How is that fair?"

Fredrick shrugged. "That's just how it is."

"And if you don't want it to be true, just play on Casual," Lissa said.

"Heresy!" Fredrick, Robin, and Chrom all cried out at once.

"Yeah," Stahl said. "Lissa, if you turned permadeath off… why are you even playing Fire Emblem in the first place? What else is there for you to enjoy? The story? Shipping the characters?"

Lissa sighed.

While fighting, however, Chrom suddenly got the notion that there was someone else there. Almost as if someone was following him.

"Hello sir!"

"Gah!" Chrom cried out. "Kellam! Where did you come from?"

"I've always been here, sir," Kellam said. "But no one noticed me…"

"Yeah, that's kind of your thing, right?" Chrom said.

"Yeah, I'm so unnoticeable that when the author played the game for the first time, he didn't even recruit me," Kellam said.

 **A/N: Kellam isn't wrong. When I played FE for the first time I didn't know that characters with green squares around them were recruitable and so I passed Kellam off in this chapter without ever gaining him in my first playthrough. And he was the ONLY character I missed due to this reason. So yeah.  
**

"Gee, that's harsh," Chrom said. "Anyway, let's continue cutting up these enemies then…"

* * *

Let's view the support conversation for this chapter!

 **Robin x Maribelle**

 **Maribelle:** Oh, Robin!

 **Robin (horrified):** Oh no… not her!

 **Maribelle:** Oh, how rude! You're acting as if I'm some sort of blood sucking monster out to get you!

 **Robin:** Yeah well… will you drop the book thing already?

 **Maribelle:** Oh, all right, fine, just, just, you know- be more discreet about these things! I discovered you, and you need to be more careful. But tell me one thing though… do you really need to carry something like that around? Do all men really like looking at such things?

 **Robin (uncomfortable):** Uh, I think most people don't… and most people wouldn't approve of it either. But listen… it isn't what it looks like. Can I trust you to keep your trap shut about it?

 **Maribelle (annoyed):** Could you please phrase your request a bit more appropriately? And in case you are wondering, yes, fine, I am not one to engage in small pieces of gossip. Your secret will never escape my lips.

 **Robin:** Hey! Thanks- you know, in return, I think I should go ahead and teach you how to talk in slang.

 **Maribelle:** I do not believe that such instruction is either appropriate or for that matter, even required from me.

 **Robin:** Nonsense! It'll help you mix in with the Shepherds a bit more! Just one lesson- I'm sure you'll find it fascinating. By the way, I have a question- you get stronger, as a healer, right, when you heal someone?

 **Maribelle:** Well yes, I do get more experienced, correct.

 **Robin:** So then I thought of a cool new strategy- what we can do is that have all of the people in our army change class to healers. Then, what we do is repeatedly injure one person and have the others heal that person. Soon, we'll all be invincible!

 **Maribelle:** What a preposterous idea! Such a plan would never work.

 **Robin:** Oh yeah, tell me what's wrong with it.

 **Maribelle:** For starters, if everyone was a healer, who would do the other things?

 **Robin:** Experience transfers after we switch classes too, so that doesn't matter.

 **Maribelle:** But what about all the money that would take to buy so many Second Seals?

 **Robin:** No problem, we can just tax the peasants more. Hey- the future of the world here is at stake. Plus I'm sure we can find enough lying around- and even if we don't we can always just have some people continue as Sages or the like.

 **Maribelle:** And the cost of all of those healing items?

 **Robin:** Same. So now try and explain to me why this isn't the most brilliant battle tactic ever.

 **Maribelle:** B-because, no one would ever volunteer to be hurt that many times!

 **Robin:** Eh, I could probably get Fredrick to do that. He'd do almost anything if he thought it could help the kingdom. So there, soon our army will be unstoppable and we'll crush every single enemy in our path like a steamroller.

 **Maribelle:** You still can't do that d-dummy, because, because…

 **Robin:** Because why?

 **Maribelle (angrily):** I'll get back to you on this and then I'll tell you why you can't!

* * *

The battle went pretty smoothly after that, and Robin was sure that Maribelle wasn't going to tattle on him so that really helped brighten things up.

"Hey Chrom," Robin asked Chrom as they climbed the stairs that led to the top of the fort. "I was wondering about something."

"Me too," Chrom said. "Why did they give the doors to the stairs to some people who they were going to send on the ground so that we could open them when they could've just kept them with someone on top so we couldn't break in?"

'That is a… reasonable point," Robin said. "But it wasn't what I was wondering. Is Raimi a man or a woman?"

"That's easy, Raimi's a-" Chrom suddenly paused. "Oh. Okay, this is kind of awkward…"

"Yeah, if it wasn't for the fact that Raimi tried to kill us I'd be embarrassed about it," Robin said.

Anyhow, they found Raimi standing in the middle of the fortress practically waiting for them.

"Ah, so let's see if your claims were true," Raimi said.

"Wait, wait, you're trying to tell me this is some sort of test?" Robin asked.

"Yes," Raimi said.

"I don't believe this," Chrom said. "There is no way that a bunch of royals just walked up to your fortress and you responded by attacking them… is this like your first week on the job or something? What if you did the mistake of injuring a Ylissean ambassador? It could potentially mean war. And if you did that with the envoy of a nation like Plegia, then you'd definitely had been destroyed by now."

"It's not my first week!" Raimi scoffed. "It's my second!"

Robin rolled his eyes. "Let's finish her… him… whatever…"

Once Raimi was defeated and finally acknowledged them as being Ylissean royalty,

"No brigands could have done battle as you have," Raimi said. "I apologize."

Once Raimi was out of earshot, Robin muttered, "Poppycock! You're telling me they've never met brigands that strong? What if they had killed someone? What if they were wrong? What if-"

Fredrick sighed. "Let's just get on with this Robin. Enough weird things have happened today…"

 **A/N: Thanks for reading guys!**


	5. Chapter 5

Chrom and his crew walked into a room where Raimi had led them.

"Don't worry, the khan will be coming here soon to meet with you," Raimi said.

"I hope she gets fired," Robin said once Raimi was out of earshot. "She almost turned me into a human porcupine."

"I always wanted a porcupine," Fredrick said. "Never got around to purchasing one though…"

"Yeah, that figures," Robin grumbled. "Where is this khan anyway?"

"Probably training," Chrom said. "In Ferox, fighting _is_ politics."

"Well, then I'd say that the khan would be a huge brute with a big hairy chest," Robin said. "But knowing anime tropes, I'm guessing that the khan's a woman?"

"Hello there," Flavia said.

"General Kenobi," Robin said before Lissa whisked him towards the back where he wouldn't embarrass everyone. "But I was right!" he whispered as loudly as decorum could allow.

"Hello," Chrom said.

"I trust that you didn't run into too much trouble with my guards," Flavia said.

"Oh, it was alright," Fredrick said. "No one was seriously injured. No one important, that is."

"Hey whaddya mean I'm not-" Robin began before he was dragged out of the room by Vaike and Miriel so that he wouldn't cause a scene.

"Good," Flavia said. "Anyway, I apologize for the attack. The thing is that there have been Plegian bandits cosplaying as ridiculous-looking anime characters who have been raiding our borders. And looking at you people, well, I thin you can very well understand why our troops were confused. Everyone else always looks so bland and generic so we just had to assume that they were Ylisseans."

"Okay," Chrom said. "Anyway, war with Plegia seems imminent on the horizon. We come here on behalf of Ylisse to ask for Regna Ferox's aid in the coming war, if need be."

"Hmmm," Flavia said. "Well, I would gladly lend you troops, but I lack the authority to do so."

"Forgive me, but I don't understand. Aren't you the khan?" Chrom asked.

"Yes, but I am the East-Khan," Flavia said. "And currently the khan of the west holds power over both regions. The contest, however, will be in a few days, so you're quite in luck."

"What contest?" Chrom asked.

"You know, the contest," Flavia said. "Basically the human equivalent of a Pokemon battle that we have every five years to see who'll rule over both our realms?"

Somewhere, Chrome heard Robin shout, "You don't have enough badges to control me!"

He wasn't sure if Robin was talking about Flavia, or to the people who had taken him outside.

"Really? That's how you system of succession works?" Lissa asked.

Flavia frowned and drew her axe. "Alright then, imposters, get ready to feel the wrath of Regna Ferox!"

"Wait, what?" Chrom said.

"You two claim to be Ylissean royalty? What kind of royalty are you who don't even know the basics of politics of Regna Ferox, your neighbor to the north and one of your closest allies? You didn't even know there were two khans! How is that even remotely possible?" Flavia asked.

"Uh, Robin, we're gonna need you again," Chrom called out as he drew his sword.

 **Six Hours Later**

And after another round of pointless fighting, the confusion was cleared up.

"Okay, Chrom, like seriously, you must have known that," Robin said. "How could you not? You're a prince, wouldn't you and Lissa have had long lessons about things like this?"

"Yeah, we did," Chrom whispered. "But the thing is that we played hookey so that we could go and watch the Green Lantern movie." He shuddered. "Talk about a waste of time. And there was going to be a crash course for us before we left but I kind of thought it was going to be unnecessary."

"Are there any other classes that you missed that are going to lead us to be almost killed?" Robin asked.

"Nah, don't think so," Chrom said.

"So, sorry for the second misunderstanding," Flavia said. "So anyway, if you want my help, just help me win the contest and when I'm khan, I'll go ahead and give you your troops."

"All right then, I see no other choice," Chrom said. "It's not like we can just stand aside and when someone wins we'll talk to them and they'll have to ally with us anyway given that no one wants a war with Plegia."

"Good, good," Flavia said. "Alright then, let's get ready."

* * *

Let's view the support conversation for the day!

 **Robin x Fredrick**

 **Fredrick:** Oh, hello, Robin! Nice to see you're resting. I hope you're not up to any mischief or anything….

 **Robin:** Oh, you know me, I'm just Robin Dabank.

 **Fredrick:** I sincerely hope that you aren't going to keep saying that like it's some sort of annoying catchphrase or something.

 **Robin:** I can make no guarantees on that front.

 **Fredrick:** Anyway, that wasn't why I came to you. Truth be told… I have a favor to ask.

 **Robin:** Oh- hey wait! You just said I was 'no one important' back there when we went to see the Khan.

 **Fredrick:** And was I wrong? I mean you're hardly like a prince or anything or anyone very special. I mean, if you died it wouldn't have been a total diplomatic disaster leading to a war or anything, right?

 **Robin (pouting):** You still don't need to spell it out like that though.

 **Fredrick:** Anyway, the favor I need from you is I need to learn how to eat bear meat. You may recall that I did not eat any during our trip in the forest as I find it ah, unpalatable. But if we continue to march onwards, we cannot continue to rely on the fact that we'll be able to carry food around- or on random vending machines somehow appearing in the middle of the forest.

 **Robin:** Yeah, vending machines appearing in the middle of the forest is kind of a one-time thing only you know.

 **Fredrick:** But I had to marvel at how easily you ate the bear meat. I must also teach myself to do so- to be able to eat like a barbarian or a savage. Or like you, Robin.

 **Robin:** Uh, thanks?

 **Fredrick:** But really though, the way that you tore into the meat was fascinating. The only eater I've ever seen that was more sloppy than you were or ate with less decorum and with more gusto was Daniel.

 **Robin:** Who's Daniel?

 **Fredrick:** My uncle's dog. Even for a dog he was considered a sloppy eater.

 **Robin:** I am having serious second thoughts about helping you.

 **Fredrick:** What? Really? Even after all the happy memories we've shared?

 **Robin:** I'm gonna be honest here, I can't think of a single happy memory or of a single nice thing you've said to me up till this point.

 **Fredrick:** Alright then, uh, Robin, you have proved to be an ah, excellent tactician. Perhaps one day when you're free we can go ah, well, I don't know what you do during your free time but…

 **Robin:** I'm usually busy in my research whenever I have spare time.

 **Fredrick:** Oh really, what is this about?

 **Robin (with shifty eyes):** Uh- I uh, study ah, mushrooms. Yeah, that. It's nothing at all that you'd find weird. Because I'm not the sort of person who researches weird things.

 **Fredrick:** Ah, then perhaps as a bonding activity we can go and pick up mushrooms. It even sounds splendid- perhaps you can teach me how to identify the poisonous ones from the ones that are edible. It could be a valuable learning experience in case I ever need to pick up mushrooms.

 **Robin (annoyed):** You just don't know when to stop do you?

 **Robin and Fredrick reached support level C!**

* * *

The cutscene with Marth and Chrom began.

"Chrom! I choose you!" Flavia shouted from the stands.

"Ugh," Marth said. "I hope they don't actually start throwing commands at us." Marth raised his blade. "Have at thee!"

"Wait, that sword," Chrom said. "Pfft. Really, that looks fake. I mean, I can clearly see that you're talking about trying to copy my sword, but I can tell from here that it isn't real."

"But this is-" Marth began before he sighed. "Ah forget it."

"By the way, why are you here?" Chrom asked. "Were you paid or something to fight for the West-Khan?"

"Truth be told," Marth said. "I came here just to challenge you!"

The two of them then began doing some sort of inhuman flippy moves all over the place.

"Who taught you to fight like that?" Chrom asked.

"My father!"

* * *

The cutscene ended.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa," Robin said. "How does that make any sense at all? You guys were fighting one on one right over there in the middle of the room, and now suddenly you two are on opposite sides of the room?"

"Robin, we need to focus here," Chrom said.

"And that's not the only thing!" Robin said. "Why do they get eight units while we have only six?"

"Because this is Fire Emblem and we're always outnumbered in Fire Emblem," Chrom said. "I mean, a Fire Emblem game in which we would outnumber our enemies… well, that's like a Fire Emblem game with permadeath off."

"Yeah, but it makes no sense in this context," Robin said. "Does the West-Khan get to use more units just because he's the reigning khan? This is a contest right, both sides should have equal number of warriors for it to be fair! And don't even get me started on permadeath, how come in this chapter we can't actually kill any enemies, it's a training chapter, but if we lose we still die?"

"You could always try to play on Cas-" Lissa began to say before the entire army told her to shut up.

Otherwise the fight was rather easy with most of the enemies being generic sprites.

"Who is your father?" Chrom asked Marth.

"I've said enough for one day," Marth answered.

"Right," Chrom said. He then raised his sword, but at the last minute stepped aside to give Robin space to zap Marth from a distance with lightning.

"Ugh, not fair!" Marth said.

"Gg no re," Robin answered.

With that, they had won and Marth suddenly disappeared.

"Who're you?" Chrom asked as Basilio approached.

"I'm the khan you just so rudely removed from power boy," Basilio said. "And I was sure that I picked the best fighter! But you know what, you played nice and fair, so I'm going to give you a fighter so that you can have a new addition to your team."

Lon'quo walked up to them.

"He was going to be my fighter, but then Marth came and knocked him over easy," Basilio said.

"Really, but he looks so strong," Lissa said and approached Lon'quo.

"Stay back women!" Lon'quo said.

"Hey!"

Basilio chuckled. "He gets a bit uneasy around the ladies here. I'm sure it's due to a tragic backstory you can unlock with enough support conversations. Anyway, I don't know how Marth beat him…"

"Aww, can I ship the two of them?" Robin asked.

"No!"

* * *

"Ah, we're back home in Ylisstol," Chrom said. "I bet it'll all be smooth sailing from here."

"Chrom, there's terrible news," Emmeryn said. "King Gangrel and his troops have burnt some villages near the border and demand an audience. And he's taken Maribelle hostage!"

"That's weird," Robin said. "I swore she was just with us just now!"

* * *

As Robin was preparing to leave, Ricken approached him.

"Hey, let me go too!" Ricken said.

"Sorry kiddo," Robin said. "We're not taking liddle, widdle babies on this fight. It's for people who wear big boy pants."

"Hey!" Ricken said.

 **A/N: I have a question that I wanted to ask you guys about this chapter. Um, does Marth manage to beat Lon'quo because Lon'quo knew that he was a woman (Lucina) and he kind of froze during their fight? It's never mentioned again and there are not Lon'quoxLucina support conversations either so I'm just left guessing. But I do remember Lon'quo saying that he won't freeze up in battle, so that makes little sense.  
**

 **Anyway, thanks for reading!**


	6. Chapter 6

Robin panted as he tried to keep up with Chrom and the rest of the crew.

"Now Robin, we're about to meet up with Mad King Gangrel," Chrom said. "And as you've probably figured out already, he's evil. I wonder what sort of nasty, dastardly things he must be thinking of right now."

"Oh, it's such a nice day today," King Gangrel mused to himself. "I wonder if it'll maybe rain so that then there's a nice rainbow in the sky." He then looked down. "Oh ho ho! Is it Exalt Emmeryn I see there?"

"King Gangrel," Emmeryn said. "What is the meaning of this violence? Explain yourself. Why are those villages smoldering in flames?"

"Oh, you see, that's a bit of a funny story," King Gangrel said. "You see, today is my birthday. So, to celebrate I decided to have a ginormous birthday cake made. And while I was planning the party, I realized that those poor Ylisseans across the border were probably starving due to the ah, bandit raids that have been happening recently with which Plegia has no connection whatsoever. And therefore, I thought to myself, 'do you know what they would like? Some cake!' And so then I grabbed a large group of soldiers and made my way across the border towards a village, and uh, that's when I decided to light the candles on my cake in celebration. But ah, well, when I did so there was a slight problem in trying to light the candles… and I uh, may have caused a huge fire to break out. Totally not my bad."

There was dumbfounded silence from the Shepherds.

"Uh, you see, the thing is…" Emmeryn began.

"I think what my sister means to say is," Chrom said, "is that is probably the least believable story that we've ever heard."

"And that includes Robin's story up till now," Fredrick said.

"Tell your gay brother over there to keep his trap shut, Exalt if he knows what's good for him," King Gangrel snapped. He then paused for a minute. "Oh, by the way, I'd just like to get this out, I totally didn't mean to use the word 'gay' like it was some sort of insult. We here in Plegia are very progressive and are very welcoming to our friends in the LGBTQ community. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being gay."

"That's sounds even less likely than the whole birthday cake story," Robin muttered to himself.

"I'm not gay!" Chrom said. "How many times do I have to say that? And for that matter, I bet you are lying! It probably isn't even your birthday today!" Chrom then looked around for support. "It isn't his birthday… right?"

"How do you not know that?" Robin asked. "He is a king after all!"

"Hey, he's one of our enemies though," Chrom said. "Why would I keep such close tabs on-"

"Yeah, well, you know, 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer' stuff Chrom!" Robin said. "Seriously, you need to upgrade your knowledge about your allies _and_ your enemies. If I were you I'd have an entire intelligence department looking into what King Gangrel did- I'd not only know when his birthday was but also what he likes to eat for breakfast! Knowledge is power Chrom, get it together!"

Emmeryn sighed and tried to ignore the two of them. "King Gangrel, that doesn't explain why there are _multiple_ fires all around in different villages."

"Oh yeah, about that," King Gangrel said. "Thing is that I was kind of scared you'd be angry because, y'know, I set a whole village on fire and I was wondering what people would say… so I did the only sensible thing and ordered everyone who was witness to what I had done slaughtered and then set fire to some other villages so I could say that it was bandits all along. And oh yeah, I kind of forgot why I kidnapped that girl over there, but uh, that's about it…"

"Uhrmph!" Maribelle tried saying through her gagged mouth. Aversa held a sword to her neck and told her to shut up.

"Allow me to understand this correctly," Emmeryn said. "You accidentally set fire to a village, and because you were afraid that I would get mad at you, you decided to- on purpose no less- set fire to more villages and pretend it was a bandit raid and you didn't bother to consider the fact that I would be even more mad when I found the truth out?"

"Well, when you say it _that_ way it sounds ridiculous and stupid," King Gangrel said.

Emmeryn sighed. "You know what? Fine, this can't stand, but for now I'll settle for you giving me back Maribelle."

"Oh, I'll give her back to you…" King Gangrel said. "An oh yeah- I remember why I took her hostage again! Give me the Fire Emblem in exchange for her!"

"The Fire Emblem?" Emmeryn asked. "That is to be used to save the world during its darkest hour…"

"Or I could use it to bring forth the Fell Dragon Grima and end all of Ylisse just like all Plegians want!" King Gangrel snarled.

"Yeah, he's finally acting like his normal self now," Chrom said.

"That turned rather quickly," Emmeryn said.

"Well, I must destroy Ylisse," King Gangrel said. "All of Plegia demands it! After your father went and declared war against us simply because of our differing religious beliefs, and razed our lands and slew countless peasants! And all of it was unprovoked, or have you forgotten?"

"Wait, is that true?" Robin asked and turned to Chrom. "Chrom, are we the baddies?"

"Yeah, sort of I guess," Chrom said. "I mean, my father did go ahead and murder countless of Plegians when he declared war on them and he also conscripted lots of our own peasants who never returned leaving many widows and orphans, but hey- Robin! Where are you going?"

Robin had sneaked over to the Plegian side when he had heard all of what Chrom had said and was waving a white flag. "Psst! Hey! I don't want to be on the evil side! You guys need a tactician or wh-"

He didn't get any further as Chrom dragged him back to the Ylissean side. "Aww, come on Robin, you know that _we're_ not like that!"

Emmeryn and King Gangrel were still busy talking, however.

"King Gangrel, you cannot possibly be serious," Emmeryn said. "If you were to resurrect the Fell Dragon, it would quite literally mean the end of the world."

"What? What is that supposed to mean?" King Gangrel asked. "Are you trying to tell me that just because we happen to not worship the same religion, it's okay to hate on us?"

"You know very well that this isn't about religious tolerance!" Emmeryn said.

"And just think about what Grima has to offer," King Gangrel said. "If Grima were to come back, he'd turn all of us into zombies. It'd mean that there would be none of the current problems like unemployment, or gender inequality, or world hunger. All of those problems would be over in a flash…"

"You know, he makes a compelling argument," Robin said and rubbed his chin.

"No he doesn't!" other people replied.

"Regardless," King Gangrel said. "Give up the Emblem or this weird prissy tsundere gets her head cut off!"

And just then, Aversa, who was holding Maribelle at swordpoint, was blown away by a whirlwind.

"And so it's Captain Ricken to the rescue!" Ricken said and appeared to help Maribelle out of her bonds.

"Captain Ricken? That's laaame!" Robin shouted at the two of them.

"Gah!" King Gangrel said. "No matter, I'll take all of you. I'll take all of you down! I will avenge your father's 'crusade' against my people!"

Just then Chrom noticed something weird happening to Robin.

"Did somebody say… crusade?" Robin said and then a flash of light surrounded him and faded away to reveal him standing covered in plate armor and a weird cuboidal helmet over his head.

"Wh- what is this?" Chrom asked.

"Come, Chrom," Robin said, though his voice was different now. "A crusade! A crusade calls upon us, and we must answer the pope's call and rid the holy land of the infidels that occupy us. Come Chrom, as a prince it is your duty given by god to act in His name and-" Robin suddenly stopped and took off his armor. "Why was I saying all of that? It's like when I heard the word 'crusade' something took over me…"

"Yeah, weird," Chrom said. "And it's made even weirder by the fact that the word 'crusade' by itself means to 'take up the cross' and it would therefore make no sense to even have that word in this world given there is no religion similar to Christianity. So why is there even a word called 'crusade?'"

"I believe we have bigger problems!" Emmery said as she saw the Plegian soldiers getting ready to attack.

* * *

Let's view the support conversation for today!

 **Gangrel x Henry**

 **Henry:** So, how was your birthday up till now, Your Majesty?

 **Gangrel:** Well, I did accidentally burn a village down and now I think I've started a war… so I guess that kind of makes it the fourth worst birthday I've ever had. But thank you for asking Henry, you really are one of my most loyal subjects!

 **Henry:** Of course I am, sire! There's no need for you to worry about me one day joining the Ylisseans or something like that.

 **Gangrel:** Of course, that would just be ridiculous.

 **Henry:** By the way, sire, I have a question. You know how we like totally outnumber the Ylisseans all the time? So I thought up of a battle strategy, why don't we all just get up in formation, you know, form a perfect square so that there's no gaps in between us and then charge at the enemy like that in perfect formation instead of letting them slowly pick us off one by one? Or we could give all of our soldiers Nosferatus and they'd be invincible!

 **Gangrel:** Now now then, what sort of nonsense are you talking about? Soldiers fighting in formation? What kind of weird world would that be? We must fight traditionally and let our opponents use various bottlenecks to their advantage! And Nosferatus are expensive, my huge birthday party isn't going to pay for itself.

 **Henry:** As you command sir. By the way, would you by chance want to see this Risen foot that I found? I've been dissecting it and studying it.

 **Gangrel:** Henry, stop pulling my leg. There's no way you could have found a Risen foot.

 **Henry:** Why not?

 **Gangrel:** Because in case you've forgotten, none of us have feet!

 **Henry and Gangrel reached support level C!**

* * *

Robin haggardly climbed the rocky steps up towards where Maribelle and Ricken were.

"Ha! Bet you've changed your mind about me, right?" Ricken asked.

"Nah- you're still kind of a runt," Robin said. "What important thing have you done?"

"I saved Maribelle's life!" Ricken said.

"Again, my questions still stands as to what important thing you've done," Robin said.

"Hey!" Maribelle said.

"Wait- what's that in the distance?" Robin wondered as he peered towards the horizon. "Is it- could it be? Do mine eyes deceive me?"

"Robin, it's probably a trap of some sort," Chrom said.

"The good kind or bad kind?" Robin asked.

"The… bad kind I guess?" Chrom said. "What's a 'good trap' for that matter?"

"Nevermind. But Chrom, there's a gigantic cake just sitting over there," Robin said. "I can't believe that King Gangrel was telling the truth."

"The cake is a lie, Robin!" Ricken shouted after Robin who ignored all of them and bounded for the cake.

The cake was huge- bigger than your average Ylissean's house and there were proportionately big candles on top of it.

As Robin neared it however, the top of the cake opened. Turned out it was hollow inside, and then Plegian reinforcements bounded out from the inside.

"Trojan cake!" Robin said. "Trojan cake!"

All in all, they were barely able to save Robin from being decapitated. After that was over, Robin tried a bit of the cake to realize that it was just all cardboard covered in frosting.

"I tried telling you Robin," Ricken said and sighed. "The cake is always a lie."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Thanks for the review, Guest, and Ylisse might not be so doomed after all, given that King Gangrel isn't exactly the sharpest tool in the tool shed.**

After Robin was treated for PTSD due to realizing that the cake was a lie, Chrom thought that before war broke out between Plegia and Ylisse the Shepherds could use a vacation, or at the very least some peaceful time away from the hustle and bustle of the capital.

"Ah, this is the life," Chrom said. "No worries, no problems with Plegia, no random bandit raids and-"

"Help! Help!" someone shouted in the distance. "Bandits!"

"Aww, darn it," Robin said.

"Now, all your money, lass," a generic barbarian grunted.

"Stop right there!" Chrom said as he appeared at the scene.

"Aw no Shepherds!" the barbarian said.

"So what'll it be- fight and live or flee and die?" Robin asked.

"Y-you kind of- you know what, Robin, leave the talking to me," Chrom said.

The barbarian seemed to get the message though and ran away.

"Oh thank you lords," the victim said.

"Oh no problem, young maiden," Chrom said. "I was just doing my job."

"E-eh? Uh, I'm a boy," the victim said. "I mean the bandits kind of mistook me for a girl, but that's alright, it happens."

"Don't worry," Fredrick said. "Milord is gay anyway."

"No I'm not!" Chrom said.

"Hey, Fredrick, don't go around saying stuff like that," Robin said.

"Thanks Robin," Chrom said. "At least someone here isn't completely crazy and-"

"Liking traps isn't gay," Robin continued.

"Forget what I just said," Chrom said.

"Milords!" another voice called out as someone ran up to them.

"Oh thank god," Chrom said, glad that there was a distraction from this awkward situation.

"Bandits! They took my Ma and the rest of the villagers!" the boy said.

"Well, we'll need to deal with them then," Chrom said. "C'mon!"

* * *

The bandit that had escaped ran back to his HQ to tell his boss about what had happened.

"Oh, Chrom ya say?" Roddick said while rubbing his hands with glee. "This here is a poster from the King o' Plegia himself!"

Roddick then unrolled a poster which had a photo of Chrom on it, and beneath it were written the letters: WANTED: GAY OR ALIVE.

"There's gonna be a huge reward for gettin' him," Roddick said. "And then I can finally fulfill my dream of opening up a petting zoo where the people are in cages and the animals can go around petting them!"

* * *

Chrom sighed. "Boy was that embarrassing with what happened with that man back there. I can only hope that something like that never happens again."

"Yeah," Robin said. He needed to meet up with traps for his research though, and he was kind of hoping that they would run into more of them, and maybe even recruit one into the team.

"But say, did you guys notice something?" Lissa said. "It says here that Donnel has a special ability- whoa- he's going to get strong really fast! It's like he's the Magikarp of this game!"

"Yeah, but how're we going to get him to level up with him being so weak and all?" Stahl asked.

"Hmm, well while playing Pokemon I'd usually just give him an Exp Share or switch out," Lissa said.

"Well, too bad that this isn't a video game," Robin said. "So I have another idea though…"

The battle began, but then they ran into another problem.

"Uh, I don't have a weapon," Donnel said.

"Don't worry, take this," Robin said and handed Donnel a broom.

"Uh, sir, this here's a broom an' not to be disrespectful or anythin', but I don't think this is what I need…" Donnel said.

"Don't think of it as a broom," Robin said. "Think of it as a spear with a thousand tiny points."

"Don't think of Robin as a very dumb human," Fredrick said as he handed Donnel a bronze lance. "Think of him as a very smart animal."

"Yeah- hey!" Robin said.

"So… what's your plan for getting Donnel to level up exactly?" Lissa asked.

"Oh, just watch and see…" Robin said.

* * *

 **Instead of Support Conversations, let's see what people are doing in the barracks today!**

"What in tarnation?" Donnel wondered. "I ain't seen nothin' like this back on the farm!"

Donnel found a tree branch!

"Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa," Robin said. "Are you trying to tell me that you've never seen a tree branch before? And that too on a farm?"

"Well, yeah," Donnel said.

"I find that hard to believe," Robin said.

"Look, trees were very scarce near our farm," Donnel said.

"Ugh," Robin said and just rolled his eyes.

Just then, Stahl was wandering around. "What's this? Is it edible? I haven't eaten in minutes!" He then picked up a bronze lance.

"Okay, leave Donnel, how do you possibly think that that's edible?" Robin asked.

"I thought it was maybe like, y'know, a six foot long churro," Stahl said.

"And more importantly- it was on the floor!" Robin said. "Were you really gonna eat it even if it _was_ food?"

"Hey, when you eat as much as I do, you learn to lower your standards," Stahl said.

* * *

The barbarian archer nervously licked his lips.

This was not going the way he had planned.

"This is unfair!" he cried out.

He was completely surrounded on all four sides and so was unable to move.

"This is great," Robin said. "Now Donnel, go ahead and hit him."

Donnel poked the archer for a few points of damage.

"Ow! That hurt, stop bullying me!" the archer wailed.

"Well, it's a good thing that archers can't attack people right next to them," Chrom said. "Even though that really makes no sense whatsoever."

And so Donnel kept on poking the archer until he eventually died.

And then he watched himself gain XP… only to fall short of growing a level.

"Aww, man!" Robin said. "Whatever, we'll just look for another archer."

Meanwhile, one of the archers way off in the distance was sniggering to himself.

"Oh, yes, I'm just brilliant," he said. "I have walls to my sides, and behind me is a treasure chest, so there's only one way to attack me! The moment that someone comes to strike me, I'll be able to shoot them before they even approach! My plan is genius!"

Suddenly, Stahl, who was carrying Donnel on horseback, appeared right in front of the archer.

"Wah!" the archer said before regaining his composure. "Don't you know not to fight a cornered enemy?"

Stahl switched for Donnel. "On the contrary, I think this is the perfect time to fight!"

And it was then that the archer realized.

He was cornered.

"Yeah, I was pretty much asking for this putting myself in this spot, right?" the archer asked.

"Yup," Donnel said as he finally grew a level after beating the archer.

"Great," Robin said. "Now there's only their leader left."

Roddick had a great axe and was glaring at Robin and Chrom as the two of them approached him.

"Now, it's time for you civilized folks to know what we wild-born men can-" he managed to get out before he was taken out by a single lightning bolt. "Oh…" he moaned. "Time for me to go to the big petting zoo in the sky…"

"Petting zoo?" Robin wondered, confused.

"More importantly," Chrom said as he went through the bandit's things. "What's this poster supposed to be?"

"Gay or alive?" Robin asked. "So… I don't get what that's supposed to be saying… like if you're dead, you better be gay or something?"

Chrom shook his head, exasperated. "Let's go free the villagers!"

"Ma! Ma! It's me! We managed to save y'all!" Donnel said.

"Oh, thank goodness you're alright," his mother said.

"Oh, this does bring peace to my heart, you know, uniting families like this," Robin said. "Oh, by the way, Donnel, now you have to come with us and go on even more dangerous missions like this where you could very well die and oh yeah, you won't see your mother again in several years even if you do happen to live."

"Sounds good to me!" Donnel said as he bounded off.

"Ah," Chrom said. "It's just like when Obi-Wan first picked up Anakin from his home planet for training…"

"Who?" Robin asked.

"Nevermind."

 **A/N: Thanks for reading y'all!**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Thanks for all the support and follows guys- this has been fun.**

 **And now for this chapter let's explore how paternity tests work in Fire Emblem.**

After all that business with Donnel was over, Robin was just chillin' out in the Shepherds common room, being bored.

He would've normally used this time to work on his 'research' but the thing was that there wasn't actually that much material for him to work with.

"Hey, Lizz, watcha doin'?" Robin asked.

"Robin, don't call me 'Lizz,'" Lissa said, who was very engrossed in reading a book. "And I'm reading the latest volume of _The Grapevine of Loss_."

Robin scuttled over near Lissa and took a glance at a page which went like this:

 _Mrs. Pennyworth greeted her husband as she usually did, with a bright smile as radiant as the midday sun._

 _Mr. Pennyworth, however, had a face as a stormy as a twilight typhoon._

 _"W-what happened my dear?" Mrs. Pennyworth asked._

 _"Oh, I was taking little Tim for training today," Mr. Pennyworth said. "And during that time, he showed a rather unusual skill… Luna."_

 _Mrs. Pennyworth started sobbing. "I-I can explain!"_

Robin frowned. "Wait, what's happening here?"

"Oh, that," Lissa said. "Mr. Pennyworth just found out that his wife was cheating on him, and that their eldest son isn't his."

"How?" Robin asked.

Lissa sighed. "Oh, that, Mr. Pennyworth wanted to become a Knight earlier on, but he wasn't able to and is a Hero currently."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Robin asked, flabbergasted.

Lissa sighed again. "Robin, do you not know how babies are made?"

"Well, of course I do-"

"I don't think you do," Lissa said. "So let me explain-"

"Lissa," Robin said, face turning bright red, "I do not need you to explain to me how babies are m-"

"So, you see," Lissa said, interrupting Robin, "When a man and a woman get together, the child inherits the man's last skill, and the woman's last skill as well. So you see, if Mr. Pennyworth never knew Luna at all, his son, who's never been trained up till now and is an Archer, would never have gotten to know that unless Tim was someone else's kid, meaning Mrs. Pennyworth cheated on him with someone who was a Knight. Really, Robin, stuff like this is Genetics 101 at Ylisstol Medical School- oh yeah, you kind of had your mind wiped, didn't you?"

"Oh so that's how that works," Robin said, relieved. He had been afraid the conversation was going to go in a totally different direction. "So, is it a good story?"

"Yeah, it's great," Lissa said. "It starts out in Mr. Pennyworth's childhood when he's trying to become a Knight, and it goes through all the trouble he goes through when the evil sorcerer Morgath rises and tries to take over the kingdom of Ravenna, you know, that's where this takes place, but then his sister gets kidnapped by bandits in the middle of his training, and he's forced to run away from Knight School to rescue her and teams up with-"

Lissa went on and on about the plot of _The Grapevine of Loss_ for, no kidding, half an hour. And she still wasn't done.

"Hey, Lissa," Robin said, interrupting her. "I just remembered I had… uh, stuff to do, with someone, somewhere, so, I'll go do that now."

Robin got out of there as fast as possible and went to the courtyard, where he saw Chrom gazing off at the moon in the distance.

"Hey, Chrom, whatcha doin'?" Robin asked.

"Oh hi Robin," Chrom said. "I was just gazing off into the distance at the beauty of the night sky and stars, thinking about how totally not gay I am. Like why doesn't anyone else see it man? I'm totally straight."

Robin nodded, but by now he was also in the 'Chrom is totally gay' camp much like Fredrick and Lissa, he just wasn't saying it.

Just then, Marth approached them.

"Greetings," Marth said.

Chrom was shocked. "How'd you get in?"

"Through the breach in the wall, behind the maple grove," Marth said.

"Oh," Chrom said.

"What's he talking about?" Robin asked.

"Oh, it's the same place that Lissa and I used to sneak out when we were playing hookey at times, I thought it was well concealed," Chrom said.

"Wait, you mean, the hole you went through so you could avoid your lessons on Feroxi politics to watch the Green Lantern movie which later on almost got us all killed?" Robin asked angrily.

"Are you still mad about that?" Chrom asked.

"I'm afraid we have more pressing concerns," Marth said. "I do not know how to say this but… let's just say that I've seen the future. And Exalt Emmeryn will be assassinated, here, tonight. I've come to stop it."

Marth then drew his blade as an assassin rushed out from the bushes, only to be killed in an instant by Marth.

"Now… do you believe me?" Marth asked.

"Okay, the hard part to believe isn't that you're a time traveler," Robin said. "The real question is, that guy is an Assassin, meaning that he's and advanced class- and you're just a level ten basic class character. How did you one-shot him? You shouldn't be strong enough to do that!"

Marth turned towards Robin. "W-what are you talking about?"

Sadly, this meant that he was distracted as another assassin burst out from the bushed, and Marth tripped as the assassin very conveniently only managed to break his mask in two- revealing that he was a she!

Chrom ended the assassins' life easily- again, even though that shouldn't have been possible, but oh well.

"I don't believe it," Robin said as he looked at Lucina carefully. "Y-you're a _reverse trap_! I've never seen one before- only heard of them in legends! And this only leads to another question- does liking a reverse trap make you gay?"

"Well, we don't have time for this," Lucina said. "We have to save the Exalt!"

"But wait!" Robin said. "I have to ask you some questions for my research!"

Neither Chrom nor Lucina stopped, however.

Once they reached the interior of the castle, they noticed that it was swarming with enemy soldiers and Emmeryn was hidden in a corner.

 **With Validar**

"Alright men, I want Emmeryn dead on the floor and the Fire Emblem in my hands," Validar said.

"Yes sir," an assassin replied.

"Wait- you're talking about killing?" Gaius said. "I wasn't here to kill man- I mean, the Exalt's such a sweet old lady. Like, sure, I'd steal her purse, but I wouldn't hurt her or anything!"

 **And Now Back to Chrom**

"Okay, men, time to take up arms!" Chrom said. "And women too- I mean, #Feminism."

Just then, Panne appeared on the scene.

"Don't worry," Lucina said. "She's a friend of mine- we can trust her."

"Alright then- but she isn't human, is she?" Chrom asked.

"I am a Taguel," Panne answered.

"Let me explain," Robin said. "They're basically another non-human class, like the Manaketes, but nerfed down so that they can only attack one space away." He leaned closer to Chrom. "I think she's just in the game 'cuz we need to pander to the Furry audience."

Chrom shuddered. "Okay, let's start fighting then."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa," Robin said. "Just hold on for a second here."

Chrom sighed. "Let me guess- you've found a weird inconsistency in this situation."

"Not just one, but several," Robin said. "For one, why is everyone who is gathered here to attack us so low leveled? I mean, these guys clearly have Assassins which are advanced class soldiers, and we saw another one in that cut scene with Validar, but these guys are basic class soldiers and pretty low level ones at that."

Chrom sighed. "I don't know Robin."

"And then, why don't we just give Emmeryn a tome or something and have her deal with the invaders herself? She's a Sage, after all, and that's more than what I can say for us," Robin said.

"Yeah, but she isn't used to fighting or willing to anyway," Chrom said. "Plus, she still has only like 5 HP."

"Yeah, that's another thing I want to take a swing at," Robin said. "How does she have only 5 HP? And suddenly she'll be like level 20 when we find her again in one of the 'extra stories?' And coming to my next complaint, how exactly did close to thirty assassins come this far? I mean, someone along the way, guards or something else, would've picked this up."

"Okay, but we'll figure that out after w-" Chrom said before being interrupted.

"And, the worst part is that if 'Marth' over there somehow gets beaten, she gets to 'retreat' and yet if we die, it's permanent?" Robin asked.

"Look, Robin, we can discuss this later," Chrom said with an exasperated sigh. "For now- let's focus on getting through this with our lives and Emmeryn's intact."

"Oh, okay, then maybe we should recruit that guy over there," Robin said.

"How do you know he'll join us?" Chrom asked.

"Oh, that," Robin said. "That's easy- because he isn't the boss and he doesn't have a generic sprite."

"Hey, you over there," Chrom said. "You look reluctant to fight."

"Yeah," Gaius said. "Well, these guys said that they needed to break into some safe- said nothin' about killing anyone. I'd as soon sit this one out."

"Oh really," Chrom said. "Perhaps you'd be willing to fight for the right cause then?"

"Yeah," Gaius said. "So long as you're willing to sweeten the deal."

"You want money you dast- okay fine," Chrom said. He reached into his pocket but then some candy fell out.

"S-sugar!" Gaius said and grabbed the candy. "CHOCOLATE!"

"Gods, he's like that guy from Spongebob!" Robin said as he watched Gaius go on a total rampage.

* * *

Let's view the support conversation for this chapter!

 **Robin x Gaius x Virion**

 **Robin:** Wow, look at him go- he's really on a sugar rush isn't he?

 **Virion:** Why hello there, Robin- uh, who is that madman over there?

 **Robin:** Oh, that's Gaius. I'm assuming he doesn't usually act that way, but he's on a sugar rush…

 **Virion:** Ah yes, this reminds me, Robin, I've been told through the grapevine that apparently you found a credit card somewhere in the woods?

 **Robin:** Oh yeah.

 **Virion:** Well, you see, I believe I had lost mine in much the same woods as you had found them… so I think you might've picked up it by mistake.

 **Robin:** Oh! Well, that's too bad then- 'cuz I gave it to Gaius so he'd help us as 'real' payment, and I told him he could put whatever he want on it.

 **Virion:** What? But I'm going nearly bankrupt already!

 **Robin:** That's okay, let me go ahead and explain it to him- I'm sure he's a reasonable man.

 **Virion:** He's a thief who looks like he's on a cocaine rush right now or something.

 **Robin:** Eh, hey! Gaius, come over here!

 **Gaius (who's now calmed down a bit):** What happened?

 **Robin:** I'm going to need that credit card I gave you back, see, it belongs to this guy over here.

 **Virion:** I do object to be called and introduced as 'this guy' to strangers Robin, for I, archest of archers do-

 **Gaius:** Why is he wearing a bib?

 **Virion (angrily):** This is not a bib! I will have you know that this is the height of fashion!

 **Gaius:** Come to think of it though, a bib would be useful- I might use it so that all that sugar doesn't dribble onto my clothes.

 **Virion:** It is not a- whatever, just give me my credit card back.

 **Robin:** Oh yeah, give it back, Gaius, turns out it belongs to Virion.

 **Gaius:** Alright then, I trust that you'll pay me back somehow later? Hey- what's that!

 **Robin:** Oh, looks like Lissa left it here- it's the latest edition of _The Grapevine of Loss_.

 **Gaius:** Oh really, that's great! Hey- this is an advanced copy!

 **Robin:** Yeah, I think Lissa got her hands on it early 'cuz she's a princess and all.

 **Gaius:** Well, d'ya mind if I take it? I mean, I've been a pretty big fan of it…

 **Robin:** I didn't know it was that popular…

 **Virion (shocked):** Are you telling me that you haven't heard of the magnum opus of Ylissean soap operas?

 **Robin:** Oh there are more of you, you know what, I'm leaving and you guys can talk about that where I'm not.

 **Virion:** I do believe that Sully must be calling for me- she's being a real Tsudnere, but the thing is that I don't think I've gotten to meet up with her sweet inner self yet.

 **Virion and Robin leave.**

 **Gaius:** Good thing I stole that guy's credit card back again. Hmm, now I need to find me a nice place to read…

 **Gaius, Robin, and Virion all reached support level C!**

* * *

Validar approached Robin. "Oh… I know you. Perhaps if you'll submit, then I'll go ahead and tell you the truth."

"D-did you use a Master Seal too early?" Robin asked.

"W-what?" Validar asked.

"You're clearly too weak for a Sorcerer," Robin explained. "So I'm assuming you used your Master Seal too early, y'know, probably when you were level ten or so, but the thing is that you've gotta wait to use that, y'know, or you end up topping off too early."

Chrom then defeated Validar.

"See what I mean?" Robin said.

"No- Emmeryn was supposed to be an easy target," Validar muttered with his last breath. "I mean… we practically walked in here with half an army with literally no resistance… how could be ever lose?"

"Well, that's over," Robin said.

"Yeah," Chrom said. "Let's go see how the others are."

"My apologies, Your Grace," Phila said. "I should never have allowed these intruders to get inside the castle grounds."

"It was nothing," Emmeryn said. "Don't fret over it."

"Yeah, you should feel bad!" Robin screamed as he walked in, panting. "Why does nobody in this fanfic seem able to do their jobs properly?"

 **A/N: Thanks for reading. And was I the only one who found Panne to be mostly useless? The inability to attack at two spaces is a real deal breaker.**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Hey guys! I was kind of bummed about not getting many reviews- but the I realized that i was getting a whole lot of views and follows and I realize that means a lot of you do want to see me write more, eh, and I guess there isn't that much feedback anyway for a series like this. Anywho, it's alright, and let's get started on our next chapter, where we get to finally meet Cordelia!**

"Ugh, my poor feet. I've got blisters the size of eggs!" Lissa said as she trudged up the trail. "And before anyone says anything- I know none of us have feet!"

"Tell me about it," Robin said, panting. He had wanted to examine 'Marth' a bit more since it would answer his question about traps but hadn't gotten the time as 'Marth' left and they were forced to trudge . "Hey, Fredrick, Chrom, how come none of you are tired?"

"Uh, that may perchance be because we're not lugging what looks like half a wardrobe on our backs," Fredrick said watching as Robin was struggling with a huge backpack. "And in Naga's name, Robin, what is it that you've packed into there?"

"Oh, only essentials," Robin said as he knelt down to take a couple of breaths.

"Well, let's see then," Chrom said, reaching into Robin's backpack. "Why are there four bricks in here?"

"Huh, I thought they looked nice," Robin said.

"And there's also a bowling ball!" Chrom said.

"It's for recreational purposes- I even brought my pins along with me and a couple of spare bowling balls," Robin said.

Chrom sighed and began tossing stuff out of Robin's bag. "Wait- is this a leprechaun costume? Why did you think that you'd be needing this?"

"Okay, I might've over packed a little," Robin said.

"A little?" Chrom asked as he practically halved the stuff that Robin was carrying. "There I got rid of half of your stuff… now it's perfectly balanced…"

"Huh, but I can't help but feel like the Hierarch is up to something," Robin said.

"Who? Me?" the Hierarch asked.

"Don't be ridiculous Robin, the Hierarch has served Emmeryn for several years- his loyalty is beyond question," Fredrick said.

"Yeah, then why is he continuously glancing around as if he's expecting us to be ambushed?" Robin asked.

Just then, two Plegian soldiers blocked their way.

"Ugh! Brigands!" Chrom said. "Everyone! Guard the Exalt!"

Vasto appeared riding a wyvern. He sniffed the air as more soldiers streamed across the mountains. "Do you smell that men?"

"I didn't do it," one Plegian soldier said. "I bet it was Rufus over there- he had way too many beans yesterday night."

"No you idiots!" Vasto said. "I mean, don't you smell the winds of fortune?"

His soldiers began actually sniffing the air. "Nope, captain, can't smell anything."

Vasto face-palmed and said, "What did I do to deserve this… anywhos, slaughter them all! Don't leave even a single one to weep for the dead!"

The Hierarch, rather than staying at the back moved towards the enemy soldiers.

"Hold sir! I am the man King Gangrel told you about! Did you not receive orders to take me into your protection?" he said.

"I've orders to protect a man, true… but I see no man here! …Only a pig! A rasher of traitorous bacon that sold out his own sovereign! And what do we do with little piggies, mmm?"

"Mmm, bacon," Robin said and licked his lips.

"Robin? Is this really the time?" Chrom asked.

"Hey, I missed out on breakfast, okay," Robin said.

"That's because you were busy packing useless stuff into your bag?" Chrom said.

"Well, you… I mean, perhaps… You let them go free?" the Hieararch asked, oblivious to what Chrom and Robin were saying.

"Oh, are you a chicken now? Bawk bawk!" Vasto then got off his wyvern just so that he could make weird flapping movements with his arms and some of his soldiers followed.

"Mmm, chicken," Robin muttered as his stomach growled.

Chrom rolled his eyes.

"We've a whole barnyard in our midst! Well, it don't matter what you are. The axe will fall just the same!" Vasto said.

"Eeeeeeeek!" the Hierarch screamed as he was decapitated.

"Well, that got grim fast," Robin said. "Though it makes you wonder why he ever thought that Plegia would go and honor their deal with him."

"Right! Now for the main event. By moon's end, they'll be erecting statues of me in the capital! Ho there! Ylisseans! Give me the Fire Emblem and your wench of a ruler, and spare yourselves a gory end!" Vasto cried out as he wiped the blood off his axe.

"Phila, take Emmeryn to the rear of the column. We'll fend off these blackguards!" Chrom said.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa," Robin said. "How do we just do that? Why didn't we do that last time when Emmeryn was in danger? How do you just 'move her to the rear of the column' like that so she's out of sight of the map and the enemies can't fly around and get to her? You know when something like that would've been useful? Last chapter, that's when!"

"We have Phila and the others to guard her, that's why," Chrom said.

"And that somehow prevents our opponents, many of whom can fly, from somehow circling around us and striking at Emmeryn while we're busy on the ground and while they have the advantage with speed?" Robin asked.

"Aw, come on Robin, do you really want this dumb level to be harder with us having to actually guard Emmeryn _and_ battle these guys?" Chrom asked.

"I guess not," Robin said.

They slowly made their way towards the enemy boss when a figure came up from the rear, a Pegasus Knight with long red hair.

And for some reason, she was panting… even though she was riding a Pegasus and therefore logically she shouldn't be out of breath, but she managed to say, "No! Plegians here as well?! Prince Chrom! Captain Phila! Beware! Enemy reinforcements to the rear! They'll be upon us soon!"

"Cordelia!" Phila said. "She's one of my knights… she was supposed to be posted near the border…"

"Well, then, in that case guys, we should have a nice chat here right near the rear and wait for the reinforcements to arrive," Robin said. "And then we'll destroy them and move to wipe out the rest of the enemy forces while they just stand there waiting for us to approach them."

"Sounds good," Lissa said, happily sitting down and massaging her non-existent feet.

The Shepherds then broke out a few wine skins and Vaike even pulled out a set of trading cards to play with Kellam and Stahl. Maribelle seemed to be reading _The Grapevine of Loss_ and Virion was harassing Sully who ended up flipping him onto the ground.

Only Fredrick seemed to be doing something productive, which was watching the horizon for when the reinforcements would arrive.

Robin began munching on some food as he saw Cordelia dismount and begin to interact with the other Shepherds.

* * *

Let's view the support conversation for this chapter!

 **Robin x Cordelia**

 **Robin:** Hey Cordelia, there's been something I've been wanting to talk to you about for a long time!

 **Cordelia:** Robin, we met five minutes ago.

 **Robin:** Yeah, but even in that small time I've realized that you have a huge crush on Chrom.

 **Cordelia (blushing):** W-what are you saying? That's not true at all?

 **Robin:** Look Cordelia, let's drop the pretense here. The only thing that's supposedly 'hidden' but everyone knows about because it's very obvious- even more than your crush on Chrom- is the fact that Chrom's gay.

 **Cordelia (shocked):** S-so it's true! But then that means… I don't stand a chance at all!

 **Robin:** No, Cordelia, I'm sure that if you'd just go ahead and try to talk to Chrom, he'd come to like someone like you. You're like, a total genius and all!

 **Cordelia:** Oh, I just don't like it when people call me that… that's what my sisters used to tease me by calling me that.

 **Robin:** Really? People 'insulted' you by calling you a genius? If that's the case I'd wish the people I work with would insult me more… like I mean they kind of do already, but you know what I mean, right? But anyway, I'm getting sidetracked here. I don't know why you go around thinking you're not good enough for Chrom, I really think that you need to get out there and just talk to him once.

 **Cordelia (nervous):** Oh, but that's just so…. scary. And didn't you just say that he prefers men…

 **Robin:** Stop delaying things! Nothing's going to happen if you just stick around here playing in the dirt! He'll end up getting married pretty soon out of the blue for some reason just so that it fits into the game's timeline, so you better act soon if you don't want to end up regretting it for the rest of your life!

 **Cordelia:** O-okay, I'll try, you know.

 **Robin and Cordelia reached support level C!**

* * *

And with that, the reinforcements arrived and as Robin pointed out, for some reason they didn't go for Emmeryn as they came from the rear and Emmeryn was there too, but everyone told him to shut up.

They mowed past the others pretty easily, and Vasto was defeated easily.

"Cordelia, tell me why you're here!" Phila said. "Tell me the border remains safe and guarded!"

"Uh, the border is totally intact and there aren't thousands of Plegian soldiers streaming over it and moving towards the capital as we speak," Cordelia said.

"Oh, that's a relief," Robin said, wiping his forehead. "For a second there I was worr-"

"She's being sarcastic," Lissa whispered to Robin.

"Oh," Robin said.

"Well, this does not bode well," Emmeryn said. "In this time of need, I must stand by my people."

"Uh, that's a big no," Chrom said. "Sister! You can't go ahead and just return back! You'll be taken hostage and there'll be a huge story arc where we go back to find you which'll end badly!"

"I have to agree," Robin said. "When it comes to bad ideas, this one really is pretty bad."

Emmeryn shook her head. "No, go on without me and recruit the forces of the Feroxi army. But here, I entrust the Fire Emblem, Chrom, to you, where I believe it will be safer with you than with me."

"B-but you're going to get kidnapped!" Chrom said. "Don't go- come with us! The people need you!"

"Yes, they do," Emmeryn said. "Which is why I must return. Phila and her knights will look after my safety…"

"Yeah, they did a great job of it last time," Robin muttered under his breath.

"..and so we part ways," Emmeryn said.

Emmeryn left, and the Shepherds made their way towards Regna Ferox.

"Calm down Chrom," Robin said as they walked towards the throne room, trying to cheer Chrom up. "I'm sure that the army of Ylisse can hold off the Plegians long enough for us to get back…"

"Uh, bad news," Basilio said. "Emmeryn's been kidnapped!"

"Well, that didn't last long," Robin said.

"Thankfully though, I have information on where she is," Flavia said. "King Gangrel tweeted that he's going to have her executed the next month. It's already trending."

"Well, that's convenient," Basilio said. "It's a trap of course- one that King Gangrel set up just so that he could get his hands on the Fire Emblem."

"So, what we should do is not walk into it," Robin said.

"Really?" Basilio asked.

"Of course not- let's walk right into it," Robin said.

"Great plan, Robin, let's go," Chrom said.

Flavia sighed. "All of you are like the white people in horror movies- running towards certain death at full throttle."

 **A/N: Thanks for reading! I'm looking forward to writing next chapter- I have quite a bit planned for it.  
**

 **I also used quite a bit of original dialogue in this chapter, a whole lot of it is taken directly from the game. But the reactions are different of course.**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: pokemonsuperallstarfan, I haven't decided yet on Tharja or Libra, though by far they should be interesting. Also, CordeliaxChrom is my favorite pairing too, even if it isn't canon.**

"I don't like sand," Robin said as they trudged through the desert. "It's coarse, and rough, and irritating- and it gets everywhere."

"I do believe you've said that line at least three times already," Fredrick said.

"Well what do you expect me to do, Fredrick?" Robin asked. "We've been trudging through the desert for hours!"

"It's only been fifteen minutes," Chrom pointed out.

"Man, I could use anything cold right now," Robin said. "Do you think that there's another vending machine out here?"

"No," Chrom said. "Why would there be a vending machine in the middle of the desert?"

"Why was there one in the middle of the forest?" Robin countered. "And hey- do my eyes deceive me?"

Right out there in the distance was a white truck painted with an ice cream cone on the side and playing the 'ice cream truck theme song' as Robin called it.

"There are so many things wrong with this," Lissa said. "For one- there's an ice cream truck in the middle of a medieval fantasy world. Secondly, how'd it even get there? Its tires can't even work on the sand!"

"I don't question gifts from the ice cream gods themselves," Robin said and then bounded up towards the truck.

"Are we sure this isn't some sort of shared hallucination we're all having?" Chrom asked.

Robin, however, did not stop and reached the truck pretty quickly.

"Oh, hello there," a short old man wearing weird clothes and with grey hair popped out of the driver's seat.

"Are you an elf?" Robin asked. The guy was pretty short after all.

"Am I what?" Chalard asked.

"Like, some sort of magic elf that drives this ice cream truck so that you can save lost souls in the desert who need something cold?" Robin asked.

"Uh, yeah, sure, why not," Chalard said. "There's totally free ice cream in here, just get in the van kiddo."

"Okay," Robin said and turned towards the rear of the van when two Grimleal jumped out with a bunch of rope and began tying him up.

"Ha ha!" Chalard said. "Prepare to be offered up to our lord and savior, Grima, god of annihilation!"

"Attention duelists! My hair is being abducted!" Robin said. "Sorry- I've always wanted to say that!"

"Robin's being kidnapped!" Chrom shouted.

"Why is it called kidnapping if it's happening to an adult?" Robin asked, struggling all the time.

"Twitch and your friend's head comes off!" Chalard said as the Shepherds were about to rush to help Robin, but stopped in their tracks. "I thought so- time to drive off boys!"

And with that the van scurried off into the desert. Robin gave all of them one last look before he was dragged away and said with a serious expression, "Don't negotiate- sorry, I've always wanted to say that as well, please save me! I think I've almost wet myself here!"

There was utterly dead silence.

"WTF!" Maribelle suddenly screamed as she realized what had happened to Robin and everyone stared at her in shock. "This wasn't in the script at all!"

"I-I'm sorry, did you just say… WTF?" Lissa asked. "Man, how many weird things are gonna happen today?"

"Ugh, what are we supposed to do?" Chrom muttered. "Robin was the only one who knew of a plan to go ahead and get Emmeryn back. And he didn't tell anyone the whole plan because of the 'no one should know the whole plan except for me' logic he pulls out from somewhere."

"Milord, I heard them say they were to offer Robin up to Grima," Fredrick said. "Given that, I believe they are Grimleal- followers of the Fell Dragon Grima. If such is true, than some of my sources say that their hideout is towards the south. If we can reach their in time, we should be able to try and get Robin back."

Chrom looked shaken at the recent turn of events, and nodded. "All right then, we'll just have to try to get this done without Robin's tactical abilities. How hard can it be, right?"

As it turned out, it was very hard.

None of them had valid strategies to command their forces that would work.

One of them which was called 'Guard' was simply to have Chrom go forward and have everyone follow him, shielding him, but this placed them in awkward positions and given that they couldn't all move at the same speed given the desert sands, this didn't work with the fliers and mages overextending themselves, and Virion never being in position next to a Pegasus Knight.

Their next overall strategy was 'Blitz' which was having them move forward and attack their enemies, but this was problematic as their weaker units like Sumia kept moving far too forward thanks to the sand bogging the others down and nearly dying.

The last strategy they had was 'Stay' which was just them pretty much standing around and not getting anything done.

"Okay, I give up," Chrom muttered. "We are absolutely useless without Robin."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa," Lissa said. "How come mages can go over the sand fine but I can't or Archers can't? I mean, I don't have anything bogging me down either! And plus, it is a known fact that people on horses are faster even in the desert compared to people on foot!"

Chrom shrugged. "And doesn't Robin usually say stuff like that?"

"Yeah, but he's not here so I thought I'd step up," Lissa said.

Then they heard a scream

"Leave me alone!" a young girl shouted as there was a large man running after her.

"Wait, I say! Why you no comprehending, wee one?" Gregor asked.

"Hey you! Fiend! Stay away from that young maiden!" Chrom shouted.

"Who are you calling fiend?" Gregor asked.

"Who are you calling young maiden?" Nowi asked.

"Hey, stay away you creep!" Lissa said.

"No- you misunderstand, Gregor only want to protect young girl from bad men chasing after us," Gregor said. "See? Gregor have innocent baby like face."

"I don't see it," Chrom said.

The Grimleal then appeared around Nowi and Gregor, in response to which Nowi transformed and blasted a good number of them away.

"Whoa!" Chrom said. "I don't believe it- she's a Manakete!"

"Huh?" Lissa said.

"Well, you know how in almost every single Japanese anime/game there's always this one girl who looks like an underage girl but technically isn't so it's considered legally okay to well- okay I won't finish that sentence," Chrom explained to Lissa. "But that's basically her. My guess is she's technically thousands of years old."

Gregor and Nowi, after cutting their way through the enemies, joined up with the Shepherds.

"Why do you look so glum?" Nowi asked Chrom.

"Oh, Robin- one of our allies, was taken by the Grimleal," Chrom said.

"Oh don't worry then," Nowi said. "We'll help you get your husband back."

"W-what?" Chrom said. "No, Robin isn't my husband-"

"Oh, fiancé then," Nowi said.

"No, not that either," Chrom said.

"Oh, boyfriend then," Nowi said.

"I'm not gay!" Chrom said.

"You sure about that?" Nowi asked. "Because I have honed my gaydar over thousands of years of experience and not once in all my years have I ever felt it go off as strongly as it is right now around you- and you look really depressed that this guy's gone so I thought he was definitely someone very close to you."

"Yeah," Chrom said, choking back tears. "I can't believe he's gone- who knows what's happening to him right now? I mean,what kind of tortures is he going through? Is Robin even dead or alive? I mean, it just sickens me of thinking about what they're going to do to him- and he must be so scared and terrified. I can tell he's brave but still… "

Maribelle wiped a tear from her eye. "It's so bad imagining what's happening to him. It's hard on all of us- and we're not even able to function without him."

"Yeah," Nowi said. "Those Grimleal look like a pretty mean bunch- I bet they're pulling out his fingernails, then they'll water board him, and then gouge out his eyeballs and make him eat them, and then they're gonna make him watch the _Green Lantern_ movie-"

 **Meanwhile, With Robin**

Robin was lying down comfortably on a large mat with an umbrella giving him some shade.

See, the thing is, the Grimleal had sort of realized that Robin was basically their version of Jesus given that he was the vessel to Grima, and so they were practically worshipping him now.

Robin was sipping some coconut water out of a coconut with a straw, and it even had a small umbrella put into it.

It occurred to him then that given the lax security they had while watching over him, he should probably go ahead and try to run away right now. As a matter of fact, he had had over a dozen opportunities to run away up till now. Why was he staying here again?

"Would you like some ice cream?" someone asked him.

Oh, yeah, that was the reason.

"Sure," Robin said and then grabbed a bowl as they began giving him a pedicure.

Well, Robin thought, he could always run away a few hours later. Plus, he was sure that the Shepherds didn't miss him too much- Fredrick was always going on about how he was disposable.

Yeah, Robin thought as he asked for another bowl of ice cream- they were all probably doing fine without him.

It probably wouldn't matter if he decided to chillax here for a while more.

"Oh- and girls, would you mind giving me a massage after you're done with my pedicure? By back has been killing me these last few days," Robin said.

"Of course!" they replied.

 **And Now Back to the Shepherds**

"Oi, wee lass, I do not think you are helping," Gregor interrupted Nowi.

Chrom now looked very pale and sort of just zoned out and walked out into the desert.

"Oh no, I think I may have said the wrong thing," Nowi said.

"You think?" Gregor asked.

"Hey, enough with the sass, mister!" Nowi said.

"This is terrible," Cordelia said. "Someone should go and cheer Captain Chrom up…" And then she remembered what Robin had told her- was this her chance? Well, she didn't know if it would lead anywhere, but she did know that her Captain needed her at this very moment, and that was enough to spur her into action. "Bu-but what am I going to say?"

"Try punching him," Sumia suggested. "That might cheer him up and make him fall in love with you."

"Sumia, you have the craziest ideas sometimes," Cordelia said as she flew after Chrom.

* * *

 **Let's view the support conversation for this chapter!**

 **Chrom x Cordelia**

 **Cordelia:** Captain Chrom, are you all right?

 **Chrom:** All right, all right?! First of all my elder sister was kidnapped- and now my best friend's been taken too.

 **Cordelia:** I see…

 **Chrom:** The thing is that in both cases I'm kind of helpless- I can't even do anything…

 **Cordelia:** Uh…

 **Chrom:** And I just feel so worthless- I let my best friend and my sister down!

 **Cordelia:** Well…

 **Chrom (suddenly turning serious):** But this is no time for me to be moping around. You know what Cordelia, you're right, I need to take charge here and lead us to victory. For both of them- I can't be wallowing around right now.

 **Cordelia (softly):** But… I didn't say anything like that… I haven't even said anything meaningful...

 **Chrom:** So let's go then! It's been great having this talk with you! Let's move out and get Robin back!

 **Chrom and Cordelia reached support level C!**

* * *

"I don't get it thought, just how did he get kidnapped? They were after me 'cuz they wanted to sacrifice a Manakete to their weird god," Nowi wondered as she blasted away another Grimleal minion. "I mean, they were trying to get me into this van by telling me there was ice cream in it… but only a complete and total moron would fall for that trap…"

No one bothered to answer her question, but Maribelle did say, "Hey! Robin was the smartest of all of us!"

"Well, I think that says more about you guys than it does about him," Nowi said.

Regardless of this banter and their inability to lead themselves, they somehow managed to make it to Chalard without losing anyone.

"I said on the phone that when I'd find you, I'd kill you," Chrom said.

"When did that happen?" Chalard asked.

"Well, it didn't actually happen but in my head I imagined myself saying on the phone, 'I will find you and I will kill you,' after you took Robin and that's sort of my headcanon now," Chrom said as he eliminated Chalard.

"Now let's go and find Robin," Chrom said. "You there! Grimleal minion! Where is Robin?"

"Do you mean Prince Robin?" the minion asked.

"Why is he called 'prince' now?" Fredrick asked.

"Maybe they're sure that he's married to Prince Chrom," Nowi said.

"No, it's because he's the form of our god-" the minion said before he was punched by Chrom.

"For the last time! I'm not gay!" Chrom said. No one in the Shepherds believed him.

"Hey guys! You're here! I was wondering when you'd show up," Robin said as he walked up to the Shepherds. He was wearing Bermuda shorts and sunglasses and had a glass of lemonade in his hand. "Hmm," Robin wondered to himself. "Maybe this is why Princess Peach never gets out of Bowser's Castle by herself- it's way to comfy there."

However, there was a long and tearful reunion with his friends. Maribelle even accidentally called him 'Papa' for some reason, and Fredrick even said that he wasn't completely worthless, which was basically Fredrick's way of saying that he really cherished Robin as a close friend.

 **A/N: Thanks for reading guys!**

 **Robin: Hey Author, I thought you said you like Chrom x Cordelia.**

 **Me: Yeah, I do.**

 **Robin: But you keep making allusions to the fact that Chrom's gay- you can't do both at the same time!**

 **Me: Hmm… wait, what if I write down Cordelia as a trap- that would explain her flat chest as well!**

 **Robin: Cordelia is not a trap you degenerate! And plus, liking traps isn't gay!**

 **Me: *I slap Robin into submission.***

 **So again, thanks for reading guys, and I hoped you liked it! Looking back, I think this is by far the funniest chapter I got to write- I hope you guys felt the same, or if you felt differently, that's okay too.**

 **Don't forget to leave a review!**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: So thanks to my reviewers, yoshistar11 and Dark Paladin is Da Boss. I'm not too concerned about reviews/favorites, I have a lot of follows and the views support this so I'm assuming that there are a lot of people reading this. To answer dragondude2210 I'm not really sure if I want to go with Maribelle x Robin yet. I'm hinting towards it but nothing's certain as of now except for Cordelia x Chrom.**

Aversa was talking to the Plegian scout in the court of King Gangrel.

"So, Captain, let me be certain I understand your report… Not only did you NOT confirm that the Ylissean party carries the Fire Emblem… But you can't be certain Prince Chrom is even among them? …Is that the gist of it?" she asked.

"Yesn't," the captain replied.

"Excuse me?" King Gangrel asked.

"Oh, sire, 'yesn't' is a new word recently trending on the Internet," the captain said. "It basically means 'no.'"

"Ah, Aversa," King Gangrel said, "if you will, please make a tiny announcement- that anyone and everyone who uses the word 'yesn't' in my kingdom will be euthanized."

"Yes si-AHHH!" Aversa screamed as she turned around to walk away but slipped on a banana peel. "Who threw that there?"

"Oh, I think I did," the captain said.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Aversa asked.

"Well, to be fair, at the very least it was only a banana peel," the captain pointed out. "There was a recent scientific study done that said that the most bodily injuries you could sustain by slipping on a fruit were not due to a banana peal- the author in question tested out various fruits and concluded that slipping on a kiwi is actually the most lethal slip you could make."

"Oh wow isn't that inter-I DON'T GIVE A PEGASUS' TAIL ABOUT A STUDY! WHY'D YOU LEAVE A BANANA PEEL ON THE FLOOR, MORON! AND WHAT SORT OF IMBECILE WITH ABSOLUTELY NO LIFE AND FAR TOO MUCH TIME ON HIS HANDS WOULD MAKE A STUDY LIKE THAT?"

"Oh, that," the captain said. "It was done by a new Ylissean researcher who has just recently popped up by the name of-"

"I don't care who it is!" Aversa said and stormed off as she sent a murderous glance at the captain.

"That was close," the captain said. "I was sure she was going to eviscerate me with her bare hands or something…"

"Yeah, she kind of had a habit of doing that, but the thing is that it is so expensive replacing them afterwards since I began promising pensions to widows and giving life insurance policies to my soldiers so I kind of told her to keep it down, plus it is so _expensive_ training one of you with meal charges and armor and such and well, why waste that you know?" King Gangrel said now that he had managed to finally catch his breath after laughing at Aversa slipping on a banana peel. "Okay- so now, Dave- can I call you Dave?"

"Actually, sire, my name is Seglurrathomemphistuu," the captain said.

"Really?" King Gangrel asked. "You kind of look like a Dave- anyway, look, Dave, what were you saying about the report?"

"Well, sire, I was asked about whether or not I say Prince Chrom, but although I didn't some of the Grimleal did mention a gay blue haired person so I do assume he was with them," the captain said.

"Alright," King Gangrel said. "Can't be too many of those around as all generic sprites have brown or black hair. So how many of them should we be expecting?"

"Well, sire, the desert sands made it difficult for us to ascertain their numbers," the captain said. "But I estimate that their numbers range from anywhere between five and five hundred million people based on my expertise and experience."

"Ah, I see, between five and five hundred million," King Gangrel said. "Tell you what, Dave, I somehow think that uh, scouting may be a little bit too much for you. Why don't you instead shift to another job, let's say, ah, cleaning Wyvern poop or I know- you can go ahead and clean the pillar from where I'm going to execute Emmeryn tomorrow, okay? I bet there's no way you can somehow mess up that."

Emmeryn at that point was brought to him.

"Ah yes, my prisoner at last," King Gangrel said.

Emmeryn took a deep breath and told herself to calm down and remember what her training told her to do in such a situation.

 **Flashback to Emmeryn's Childhood**

Emmeryn's father was teaching a young five-year-old Emmeryn some lessons.

"So remember, dear, if you ever go to war with an enemy nation, don't be a complete and total moron and let yourself get captured by them- avoid being kidnapped at all costs, because they will then try to ransom your life for the Fire Emblem and then all of humanity will die," he said.

"Can we go for ice cream later Papa?" Emmeryn asked while not really realizing that her father was saying something significant because she was, of course, five years old.

"I'd love to sugar-booger, but I have to go ahead and burn various Plegian heretics at the stake while I force their families to watch. Not like that can ever backfire in any way at all!" he said and laughed before walking away.

 **End of Flashback**

'I had a really messed up childhood,' Emmeryn realized.

"Now, tomorrow, you will pay for your crimes, Ylissean Queen!" King Gangrel said.

"King Gangrel, can we not put this matter of our earlier wars behind us and-" Emmeryn began before being interrupted.

"What? Who cares about that?" King Gangrel said. "What I am mad at you is for ruining my birthday party!"

"Uh… that was actually your birthday?" Emmeryn asked, confused.

"Well duh! And I even got you and your people a huge cake, and look how you thanked us- by attacking us!" King Gangrel said.

"That cake was made of cardboard, carried Plegian soldiers, _and_ you burned down several villages," Emmeryn pointed out.

"Well, geez, it's the thought that counts isn't it?" King Gangrel said. "No matter, tomorrow morning, at the crack of dawn, I will have you executed!"

 **The Next Day, The Crack of Dawn**

King Gangrel yawned. He had dark circles under his eyes since he had spent the entire last night playing PUBG and raging after he lost. But mostly raging after he lost. "I am _so_ not a morning person- but thankfully my plan to get the Fire Emblem is going to come to fruition! Good thing I scheduled Emmeryn's execution to be held exactly within thirty days which I knew would be exactly just enough time for the Ylisseans to get here!"

"Uh, Your Majesty, they haven't arrived yet," Aversa said.

"Oh, well, we'll just wait for them then," King Gangrel said. "I bet they won't take too long."

 **Nine Hours Later**

"HOW HAVE THEY STILL NOT SHOWED UP!" King Gangrel screamed. "I leaked information on the time of the execution days ago!"

"Oh, wait, I think that's them right there on the horizon," Aversa said.

Chrom and Robin were panting.

"Phew, I hope they didn't go ahead with the execution which was supposed to be scheduled in the morning," Robin said. "We really got delayed didn't we?"

Chrom rolled his eyes. "Well that was only because you kept the entire camp awake all night when you lost your teddy bear and started screaming that you couldn't possibly sleep without it, and then it turned out that it was in your bag the whole time after we basically overturned the entire camp twice to try and find it and marched back ten miles to see if you dropped it anywhere, and by then it was so late that everyone overslept."

"Hey- I get nightmares without Mr. Snuggles about that Validar guy talking to some weird guy shrouded by darkness! Yeah, well leaving that aside, we all look pretty winded," Robin said. "Hey guys, let's all take a quick Gatorade and Doritos break before we set off the battle."

 **Three Hours Later**

"If they don't hurry up I'll just go ahead and have her executed!" King Gangrel seethed with rage as the sun was now about to set.

"Well, I think that was a great break everyone," Robin said. "But I somehow think we didn't exactly need three hours for it…"

"Oi, it only take so long because you wanted only Cool Ranch Flavor Dorito and we ran out," Gregor said. "And so Gregor had to run ten miles to find right vending machine with one."

"Come on guys, let's not sweat out the small details," Robin said. "We're all here, right, and that's all that matters."

Truth be told, the only reason that the other Shepherds were putting up with Robin's tantrums was because they all felt guilty for letting him be kidnapped last chapter. (Robin had conveniently 'forgotten' to tell them how he had been treated by the Grimleal when they started asking him how he had been tortured and mostly just confirmed whatever they had been thinking by nodding quickly and asking them to change the topic.)

Robin, conversely, was only throwing around such tantrums since he was used to being pampered by the Grimleal during his kidnapping.

That said they managed to make great progress and met up with Libra as well.

"You there! Who are you? Why do you fight alone?" Chrom asked.

"Good heavens! You're Prince Chrom, brother to Her Grace the Exalt!" Libra said.

"You know me?" Chrom asked.

"Know you? Of course, sire! All Ylissean clergy do. I must thank the gods for uniting us! Oh, dearest and most heavenly fa-" Libra answered before being interrupted.

"With all respect, now is not the time for prayer- it's action that's called for."

"Ah, too true! We hurried here to help as soon as word came of the execution."

"We? Then there are more of you?"

"Alas, there were," Libra said. "But we were here at dawn and were fighting for so long that all save me perished… maybe if you had come on time sire, they would have lived. But no matter… my axe is yours!"

"Your love for my sister is clear. I would be honored to be joined by such a formidable woman of the cloth," Chrom said.

Libra's expression soured for an instant. "…Man, sire. Man of the cloth."

"You're a… You're not a woman?"

"No sire, women are Clerics. I am a Priest- well, technically a War Monk, if you care to split hairs…"

"Oh. Yes, well, I'm… I didn't mean to imply… Well, this is rather awkward," Chrom said sheepishly.

"Oh, it's all right, sire. You realized your mistake quickly enough. It could have been much more awkward… MUCH more…" Libra said with a smile.

"Right! Let's stop there," Chrom said.

At that very moment though, Robin suddenly appeared. "Did I sense a trap?"

"Yeah, we get it Robin, this whole mission is a huge trap," Chrom sighed. "You don't need to tell me twice."

"No- not what I meant," Robin said. "I just need to ah, ask our newest member some questions, okay?"

* * *

 **Let's view the support conversation for today!**

 **Robin x Libra x Tharja**

 **Robin (writing stuff down):** So, you're telling me you're a man?

 **Libra:** Yes, I believe I've said it already- War Monks are all men.

 **Robin:** Oh, interesting. Wait a moment- **(gasps)** does that mean that Maribelle is a guy too? Because female versions of Troubadour are called Trobairitz! So that means that Maribelle is actually a man? I have so many questions… anyway that brings me to another point, this game is incredibly sexist with classes- why can't I become a Dark Flier? I mean, the Galeforce ability is so OP I need it but can't get it...

 **Libra (confused):** I'm sorry… is this importan- WATCH OUT!

 **Robin (equally confused):** Huh? Wait- why do I feel like there's an ominous presence behind me?

 **Tharja:** …notice me Sempai.

 **Robin:** Ach! A Plegian Mage!

 **Tharja:** Oh, calm down… I'm not here to hurt you…

 **Robin:** What're you here for then?

 **Tharja:** Same thing you're here for… a bit of 'research' actually…

 **Libra:** What is she talking about?

 **Robin takes Tharja aside.**

 **Tharja:** Oh… what is that you want to talk to me about in private, well?

 **Robin:** Just don't mention my research yet… it needs to be a secret.

 **Tharja:** Fine, on one condition…

 **Robin:** What?

 **Tharja:** Marry me and promise to be with me forever.

 **Robin:** …No.

 **Tharja:** Fine, I'll settle for joining your little group… and a lock of your hair… for now at least.

 **Robin:** Deal.

 **Robin, Tharja, and Libra all reached support level C!**

* * *

Robin updated Chrom on the 'situation' with Tharja (all he said was that she was joining them) and they managed to beat the boss pretty easily.

"Quick! Give the signal!" Chrom said.

Within seconds Phila and the rest of her Pegasus Knights appeared on the scene.

What King Gangrel wanted to say was 'That Ylissean tactician does not play fair!' but all that came out was "Hax! I call hax!"

Robin wanted to say 'Well, you see, it was all just a matter of proper planning' but all that came out was "GG easy, get rekt n00b!"

"Don't worry," Aversa said. "He's not the only one with cheat codes around."

A bunch of Risen Archers appeared and began to one-shot the Pegasus Knights.

"Ugh, all 'cuz of their weakness to Archers," Robin said. "If only we gave them the Iote's Shield item- I knew we should've bought the _Smash Brethren 3 DLC_."

"Hey- I am not going to support DLC or loot boxes," Chrom said. "Gaming companies need to know that they can't keep squeezing us for every penny! What happened to the good ol' days when buying the game was enough?"

"Throw down your weapons, or your Exalt becomes the world's largest quiver!" King Gangrel shouted.

"Actually, a quiver is just where you safely store arrows, and so a more technically correct threat would be to say that she 'becomes the world's largest Boss'- Boss is the term used for the target used in archery practice." Robin said.

Emmeryn sighed- this was all getting really boring. She had been standing in one position for over twelve hours and hardly anything had happened. She was both hungry and thirsty.

And to top it all off- she really had to pee.

"Look can we all just pause here for a second to-WAAAH!" Emmeryn screamed as she slipped on something and lost her footing. "Banana peal!"

"Well at least it wasn't a kiwi," Robin said. "I've found that that's much worse to slip on."

King Gangrel snarled. "DAVE! What did you do?"

'Dave' however was nowhere to be found as Emmeryn now fell from the rock towards the ground.

"NO!" Chrom screamed.

"NO!" Lissa screamed.

"NO!" Fredrick screamed.

"NO!" King Gangrel screamed.

"YESN'T!" Robin screamed.

"We have to go now," Robin said to Chrom. "There's no one who could survive a fall like that- and think of it this way Chrom, maybe they'll be some extra content where we can rescue her later…"

"NO! NO!" King Gangrel said and began ripping his hair out in frustration. "This is not what I wanted!"

"You… didn't want the Exalt dead?" Aversa asked, confused.

"Of course not- I wanted the Fire Emblem! And now my only bargaining chip is completely worthless!" King Gangrel snarled.

"B-but we can still get it back… they won't escape…" Aversa said.

"No! They still can!" King Gangrel said. "And even if we manage to catch them their Prince may go ahead and destroy the Fire Emblem- or dump it in a river or bury it in a forest somewhere we'll never find it, or have one of his Pegasus Knights take it away just to spite me! The only way I could've been sure of getting it was to trade Emmeryn for it! And now she's dead!"

"We could look for her body," Aversa said as she flew off to look for Emmeryn and the Shepherds beat a hasty retreat.

 **A/N: Thanks for reading!**

 **Also that bit about kiwis and banana peals is based off an actual TV program I saw long ago that measured that.**

 **So do please leave a review.**

 **And don't slip on any kiwis guys.**

 **Also Nacho Cheese is the best flavor of Dorito.**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Dark Paladin is Da Boss, well, I will just say that you aren't another account nor someone I asked to do those reviews. It's the Internet anyway, and there's nothing I can really do to disprove someone saying either of those things- so don't worry about it. Thanks to my other reviewers as well, dragondude2210, well, you can keep cheering, I haven't decided yet really. pokemansuperallstar, eh I won't fight you on that point- and thanks Godzilla12343.**

King Gangrel paced around in his throne room. This was bad. This was very bad indeed.

If only that idiot Dave hadn't left a banana peel right where he shouldn't have had, none of this would've happened and Emmeryn would still be alive. Killing her was a huge mistake- as long as he had had her alive, he could've forced Ylisstol, and by extension, Regna Ferox, into doing whatever he wanted. With her dead now, it would only serve to unite Ylisstol and Regna Ferox against him. He had numerous soldiers, though they had limits to their numbers and morale. What would've been an easy victory would turn into an ugly war that would bankrupt his country more likely than not whether he would win _o_ r lose.

Thousands- no, possibly millions would die on either side. And far more importantly, the Fire Emblem was out of his grasp now.

Aversa had searched for Emmeryn's corpse for days, but had come up empty. King Gangrel had hoped he could at least have the body ready to negotiate with the Ylisseans, but now it appeared that that was also gone.

"But then is she still alive then?" King Gangrel had asked her in amazement when she had come to deliver her report. If she was still alive

"I do not think so- nobody could survive a fall like that," Aversa said.

"And yet you can't find a body?" King Gangrel asked.

"Nope," Aversas said.

"Isn't that kind of a huge plot hole then? If she's alive, we would find her of course, and if she isn't, we would probably desecrate her body or something like that," King Gangrel said. "Didn't the writers think this through?"

"I guess not," Aversa said. "I mean, they have left even bigger plot holes in this story."

"Well, that's okay with me," King Gangrel said. "Let's prepare for war!"

* * *

It was a dark and stormy night.

It was raining heavily.

"Come on! The carriages are just up ahead," Basilio said.

"Wait up for Chrom," Robin said, panting. "I think he's weighed down by his sadness at seeing Emmeryn die."

"No! I'm weighed down by the fact that I have to carry YOUR bags as well as mine because apparently _someone_ is too tired for that," Chrom said.

"Well what can I say, my bags are heavy," Robin said.

"We are so done pampering you," Chrom growled.

At that moment two Plegian soldiers came out and one of them said, "Give us the Fire Emblem and we'll kill you!"

"I think you want to say 'give us the Fire Emblem or we'll kill you,'" Robin, ever the pedantic, said.

"Nah, I know what I said," the Plegian soldier said.

"Negotiation isn't your strong suit, is it?" Basilio asked. "Well don't worry, punk, because I'm ready to give you two a lesson in some old school Feroxi diplomacy!"

He then decapitated the two soldiers with a single blow.

"There are more of them," Cordelia said as she flew down. "I scouted out ahead, and the entire valley is filled with Plegians. There's no other reasonable way out without defeating the soldiers."

"Then we'll fight," Chrom snarled.

"Halt- Ylisseans," Mustafa called out. "I offer you mercy if you put down your arms and hand over the Fire Emblem."

"That kind of runs contrary to what your soldiers just said," Robin pointed out. "And by the way- is your name Mustafa? Like from the Lion King?"

"That's Mufasa," Fredrick pointed out.

"We'd never hand over the Fire Emblem to you," Chrom said.

"Well, I still have to fight you then," Mustafa said. "Otherwise King Gangrel said that he'll kill off my family…"

"He'd kill Simba?" Robin exclaimed, but by now everyone had learned to ignore him.

"So right," Fredrick explained as everyone gathered around to discuss war strategy. "The thing is that we're fighting the Plegians on their own turf, and on top of that it appears that they've occupied a very narrow passage. Without a doubt, I bet they could hold that pass for months against even a much larger force. I'm afraid that the odds look very bleak- this could be our hardest fight yet."

As a matter of fact, it turns out that Fredrick was completely wrong.

Actually the entire fight was pretty easy- possibly making it the easiest fight they'd ever had up till then.

So easy as a matter of fact that some people decided to take a breather and start chit-chatting in the middle of combat when they knew they probably shouldn't have…

* * *

Let's view the Support Conversations for this chapter!

 **Robin x Panne**

 **Robin:** So… hey Panne…

 **Panne:** What is it man-cub?

 **Robin:** Oh, nothing, I just wanted someone to talk to and I was going to go to Lissa but then I remembered her sister kind of died and so now that would be really awkward and it was going to be really awkward with almost everyone and so I realized I never talked to you and…

 **Panne:** …

 **Robin:** …

 **Panne:** …

 **Robin:** … wow this got awkward too real fast. By the way, why'd you call me man-cub? Like, did you really like the Jungle Book or something?

 **Panne:** Incorrect- I call you that because you continue to act like an overgrown child who throws tantrums all the time.

 **Robin:** What? I do not?

 **Panne:** Were you a Taguel, you would be the weakest of the litter, and your mother would let you starve to death because she would see how pathetic you are.

 **Robin:** Kind of a harsh thing to say to your teammate, don't you think? Wouldn't a Taguel mother like not abandon her young? Plus, I thought everyone in Taguel society is equal right?

 **Panne:** Yes, which is why behaving like an entitled, spoiled brat such as yourself would result in you being abandoned by the tribe. You act repeatedly, as if by your actions you claim to be more important or better than the others. You constantly delay our plans because something or the other is wrong with you. The only reason the others put up with you is because one, you will literally cry if they say no, two, they feel guilty about letting you get kidnapped, and three, because you are, despite your flaws, a gifted tactician and a huge asset to the team. But tell me, do you plan to grow up at _some_ point?

 **Robin:** Hey- I'm already a fully functioning adult, to let you know. I only had ice cream for breakfast three days a week these past couple of months. Big improvement from six times a week- the seventh day I'd have pizza for breakfast instead.

 **Panne:** It's like talking to a rock…

 **Robin and Panne reached support level C!**

* * *

"I wonder… why was this so simple?" Fredrick said. "This should not have been so easy…"

"Well, I heard the Plegians talk about some terrifying mage on their side who went rogue and killed a lot of them, so that could be it," Tharja said. "But I don't know which mage could've scared them more than me… because no matter what I've ever done I haven't scared them as much "

As such they made their way through the place rather quickly and took down Mustafa.

"Brave Ylisseans… you fought well," he said. "But I beg of you, please spare my men…"

"We sort of killed them all already…" Robin said. "And you were the last one…"

"This was a 'defeat commander' chapter you sadistic morons…" Mustafa said before he faded into the void.

"Wow I kind of feel bad then," Robin said.

 **A/N: I was playing on Lunatic and for the XP I defeated everyone else first before taking down Mustafa and I actually felt bad about it when he asked me to spare the rest of his men.  
**

 **In my defense, XP is hard to find in Lunatic and Lunatic+ modes so when his soldiers rush at you you kind of want to milk it for what it's worth. Like I eliminated all the enemies on every 'defeat commander' chapter.**

 **Sorry this was so short- it really was hard to write this which is why there was a delay. There's not much to parody on this chapter, it's a sad one, and I was kind of stuck on it, so I just decided to go straight to it no matter how short it was.**

 **Anyway, thanks for reading!**


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